


Away From The Sun

by LilyAnson



Series: The Misadventures of Crowley and Sam Winchester [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adult Content, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:45:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4808489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAnson/pseuds/LilyAnson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"As much as you need him, he needs you." Somewhere along the way those words were forgotten. That is, until it becomes necessary to understand the full meaning. Crowley returns to hell, Sam returns to the hunter's life with his brother. Neither can get the other out of their mind. When a spell is cast on Sam Crowley is the only one who can remove it. Can he understand how to do so in time and what will the repercussions be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your Arms Feel Like Home

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The sequel to How To Save A Life. Really helps if you read it. If you have a good imagination I suppose you don't have to read the first one.  
> Spoilers: Season 8 +  
> Minor changes to Canon: Crowley's mother didn't abandon him until after he was fifteen or sixteen-ish.  
> .  
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

  
  
With a small sigh Dean turned over and opened his eyes. Sammy? Carefully lifting his arm Dean tried not to wake his brother. Getting out of bed Dean eyed Sam for a moment. Sam seemed to be sleeping fairly peacefully. For all of his worry Dean had slept fairly peacefully as well. Usually the covers were tangled around them when they had to share a bed. Thankfully not this time. Shrugging it off he made his way to the door. Before he left he inspected the room briefly as he always did.

Quietly Dean opened the door and closed it behind himself as he left. Sammy needed a good night's sleep. Making his way to the kitchen Dean paused slightly at his own bedroom door. Pushing himself past he made his way to the kitchen. Breakfast; they needed breakfast. Opening the fridge Dean grabbed some eggs. While he cooked he thought about Crowley. Sam really loved him. Somewhere along the way Crowley had grown on Dean as well. Dean actually found himself worrying about whether or not Crowley was doing alright.

He was just about finished cooking by the time Sam entered the kitchen. Sam seemed distracted as he sat at the table. Grabbing two waters and forks Dean set them on the table and grabbed the plates. Sitting down he shoved one of the plates to Sam. Sam stared at the food for a few seconds before pushing the plate away.

"Eat," Dean ordered pushing the plate back.

"Not hungry," Sam stated.

"Too bad. I didn't say you had to be hungry. I said you have to eat. Now."

"Fine," Sam growled.

Grabbing his fork Sam stabbed at his eggs. Dean shook his head and began eating his own food. Truthfully he understood how Sam felt, he felt the same with Cass still gone. He just couldn't allow himself to wallow in his own pity party. He had to take care of Sam. No matter how worried he was about Cass Sam was his responsibility. Sam had always been his responsibility for as long as he could remember.

In the beginning he had resented not being allowed to have a normal childhood. After a while he realized he didn't trust anyone else watching over Sam. Dad was always gone and mom was dead. Sam was all he had. Before Sam ever understood why they moved around so much Dean knew there were monsters. His greatest fear was losing his brother because he wasn't good enough to protect him. He trained as much as possible and as hard as he could so that didn't happen. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Sam had stopped eating.

"Hey! Food," Dean ordered.

"Whatever," Sam muttered before forking more eggs into his mouth.

Dean shook his head, something had to give. He needed Sam to be okay. Sam represented everything good Dean had given up in order to protect his brother. Sam was everything Dean wanted to be but couldn't. Sam hurting this way was unacceptable but this was something he couldn't fix. Damn you Crowley, Dean cursed. Why couldn't you have stayed a 'monster'? Everything was so much more clear when you knew who the bad guys were.

"Dean?"

Dean glanced up at his brother.

"Can I show you something?"

Sam was eyeing him carefully. Lowering his brows Dean inspected Sam. "Yeah, why wouldn't you be able to?"

Sam hesitated.

"Sammy?"

"I really hate when you call me that."

Dean smiled.

"I…" Sam trailed off and stopped speaking. Finally he reached under the table and fished out some papers. As Sam held them out Dean took the papers and began reading. As he read Dean realized instantly that the letter was from Crowley. As much as he already knew Crowley loved his brother Dean finally saw the demon differently.

He read about himself through Crowley's eyes. Brash and loud, Crowley had called him. Dean frowned. So Crowley had cared about Sam since before they had brought him back. As he continued to read he realized Crowley hadn't understood that for quite a while. Dean realized the demon was already in love with Sam long before he had known it.

_"I'm sorry I can't return the shirt, I need it too much. It's the last piece of you I have left. I wish I could be whatever you need, whatever you want, but I can't and I'm sorry… You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy, someone who doesn't complicate your life. Someone who won't hurt you. I can't promise that."_

Finally Dean lowered the letter. "I'm sorry," Dean whispered.

"Did…" Sammy trailed off.

Reaching over Dean placed a hand on his brother's arm. "Yeah, he loved you."

"You sure?"

The look on Sam's face was heartbreaking; God damn you, Crowley.

"Yes," Dean answered simply. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Where did you get this?"

"It was on the desk in Crowley's room."

"Not when I woke up it wasn't."

\-------

"Sire?"

"You're questioning me?"

"No but I thought the Winchesters were public enemy number one."

Crowley reached out and stabbed the demon.

"Anyone else?"

The other demons shook their heads. He wouldn't tolerate a demon targeting either of the Winchesters. Both were to be protected. Dean because it would hurt Sam if anything happened to his brother and Sam because... Well that didn't matter, he told himself.

Sam… Damn how he missed the younger Winchester. _You think you deserve love?_ Yes, Crowley shot back to the voice. Just… Just not from him. Sam was so… good. Sam deserved someone he could trust. Someone better than _him_. With the return of the emotions came the return of the voice. Crowley would have done almost anything to stop the voice. The one thing he would never do was letting go of his feelings for Sam. He would die before that happened.

"Sire?"

"Never mind," Crowley growled. "No one touches the Winchesters. Understood?"

There was a chorus of "Yes sire's," as he nodded. "If anyone doesn't agree now is the time to speak."

No demon opened their mouth.

"The punishment will be worse if you move on them later."

Still no demon spoke.

"If any of you go against my wishes you have no idea how much pain I can give you."

\-------

The buzzer for the front door sounded and both brothers glanced at each other. Shoving their chairs back both made their way to the front door. Opening the door Dean was surprised to find Cass. For a minute he couldn't move.

"With the warding I couldn't just port inside," Cass said quietly.

Finally Dean rushed forward and pulled the angel into a hug.

"God I missed you. Are you alright? Are you okay? How are you?"

"I'm fine Dean. I'm… good. Perhaps we should step inside to continue this."

Stepping back Dean moved to let Cass enter. Shutting the door no one spoke until they made their way to the living room. Sam sat down in the nearest chair and Dean pulled Cass down next to him on the couch.

"I think I can alter some of the wards to allow you and only you to be able to port in," Sam informed them.

"That would be… helpful."

"You sure you're okay," Dean queried.

"Yes."

Cass was so distracted it was disconcerting. Something was wrong with his angel.

"How are you both?"

"I'm fine," Sam told Cass.

No you're not, Dean thought. Don't lie.

"You're lying," Cass stated.

"Okay. But I'm dealing?"

"Yes. That works," Cass stated.

No, Dean thought, not really. Sammy was hurting but there wasn't anything he could do to fix it. God how the hell did he protect Sammy from something like this?

\-------

"Sire?"

"Yes?"

"There's a daeva near the Winchesters."

"Acknowledged," he replied.

Sire?"

"Do you want to die," Crowley asked.

"No sire."

"Then leave me."

Crowley watched as the demon left. A daeva they could handle. It was no threat to his Sam and would keep him sharp. No he didn't have to worry about that. Himself? Yes, he worried about that. He had to stay away from Sam as much as possible to keep him safe. He had picked the rare few demons he trusted and few other allies to watch over the Winchesters in his stead.

\-------

"Cass," Sam asked.

"Yes?"

"Uh. Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're just… not you."

"What do you mean?"

"Sam," Dean chastised.

"No, he's not himself," Sam defended.

"Sammy…"

"He's right Dean," Cass stated. "Absorbing the Grace was more difficult than anticipated. I'm not sure if I could have handled more than the extra two."

Dean frowned. "Two what?"

"Vials of Grace," Cass answered.

"There were four."

"No, there were two," Cass replied with a look of confusion.

"I saw her hand you four," Dean insisted.

"I saw four too," Sam added.

Cass cocked his head as if considering this.

"Okay, what's going on," Dean asked. "You can't remember how many vials there actually were? Sammy's getting ghost mail from hell?"

"Ghost mail," Cass queried.

"It's not ghost mail just because you didn't see it when you woke up Dean."

"I'm telling you there was nothing on that desk," Dean argued.

"How would you know? Why would you have bothered to look?"

"Because I did look, that's why."

"Why?"

"I just did. Drop it Sam."

"No. You can't seriously think I would believe-"

"Because I felt bad okay?"

Sam stared at him blankly and blinked several times.

"I felt bad I didn't bother getting anything for the room before giving it to Crowley. I didn't bother making sure he had anything other than a bed. Everytime I stay in there with you I inspect the room to remind myself I should have done more. He saved Cass' life without a second thought and I couldn't be bothered to make sure he even had a chair."

Sam's expression changed into one of sympathy. Great, the last thing he needed right now was Sam feeling sorry for him. Dean ran a hand through his hair. Turning away from Sam so he wouldn't have to see the look on his brother's face he turned back to Cass instead.

"You're both sure there four vials," Cass asked.

"Yes," Dean told him.

"Yes," Sam agreed.

"Can I see this 'ghost mail'," Cass asked.

Sam hesitated. Dean turned to the table and eyed the letter. Sam finally opened his mouth to but Dean cut him off before he could speak. "You don't see the letter anywhere?"

Cocking his head slightly Cass turned and inspected the room. The angel's eyes skimmed over where the letter sat as if it wasn't there. Turning back to Dean Cass shook his head. Reaching down Dean tried to grab the letter. His fingers passed through the papers. Dean eyed the letter suspiciously.

"You try Sammy," he ordered his brother.

Sam picked the letter up without any issues. Running his fingers down the paper Sam stared as it sadly. That does it, Dean thought. I'm finding Crowley wherever he's hiding and dragging his demon ass back here. Turning Sam reached out and finally handed the letter to Cass.

"Can you see it now," Dean asked.

"Yes," Cass answered distractedly.

"Why couldn't you see it before?"

"It was shielded."

"By who?"

"I don't know but it wasn't Crowley."

"How do you that," Sam demanded.

"The shielding feels vaguely familiar and nothing like demonic magic. I'd almost say…"

"What," Dean pressed. "You'd almost say what?"

"It feels almost like Grace but different, stronger."

"What's stronger than angelic Grace," Dean asked.

"As far as I know only one thing, but it can't possibly be that."

"Can't be what?"

Cass shook his head. "I have to go," he stated as he made his way to the door.

Dean grabbed Cass' arm and stopped him. "What can't it be Cass?"

"I have to go. There are things I have to do. Things you can't be a part of."

"Cass," Dean asked.

"I'm sorry Dean. I have to leave for a while."

"Leave?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"I don't know."

"At least tell me what you think cast the shielding over the letter."

"I can't."

"Can't or don't want to?"

"Can't. There's no way I'm right about what this feels like."

"What does it feel like?"

"I should go."

"I'm not letting you go until you answer me Cass."

"I can make you let go," Cass said quietly.

"You'd use your powers against me?"

Cass didn't respond.

"You made a promise you would never do that."

Cass still remained silent.

"You promised me Cass."

"I'm sorry Dean."

"No, you don't get to be sorry. You made a promise. You gave me your word!"

"What would you have me say?"

"You know what? It doesn't matter anymore. You want to leave? Fine, go."

Releasing Cass' arm Dean glared at the angel.

"I really am sorry," Cass repeated.

Dean refused to respond.

"Cass," Sam whispered. "Don't do this. Please?"

"I have to."

"Dean needs you."

"I don't need you to fight my battles Sam," Dean argued.  
\-------

"Well," Crowley growled at the demons standing in front of him.

"Alpha team went down. But Beta team's working contingency."

"We had a perimeter around the hotel. We got her."

"Right in there, tortured. If you'd like, I could finish her off."

"Wipe that ridiculous smile off your face," growled Crowley. "What do you want, a medal? A "thank you" for cleaning up the mess _you made_?"

The demons looked between themselves before making a hasty retreat leaving him alone before the door. Rolling his eyes Crowley opened the cell's door. "Everyone working for me touched? Bunch of needy, squalling, incompetent infants."

"The king at last," called out a voice he hadn't heard in centuries. "King of what? Lilliput? I mean, I'd heard you were short, but…" trailing off the woman chuckled. "Well?! Get to it. Time for the coup de grace, wee boy. Is something the matter with you? Cat got your tongue, hmm? Meow."

"Mother?"

Backing out of the cell he slammed the door shut. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't really be here. He looked through the bars at the top of the door. Grinning his mother threw her head back and laughed again. Crowley stumbled back away from the door. Turning hurried down the hallway.

When was out of the area near the cells that were warded to keep demons from blinking in or out he blinked to his own quarters. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't be here. Emotions threatened to consume him and Crowley struggled to breath through them. If there was one person he had ever been afraid of it was her. She had made his life hell growing up and then abandoned him.

If she was here Sam was definitely in danger. He should kill her now and be done with it. The problem was, he couldn't. Despite everything he had always wanted her to love him. Still wanted it somewhere deep down inside. _This_ was the problem with emotions. _This_ was why he should have let them go completely. Unwilling to let Sam be in danger and unable to kill his mother Crowley desperately sought a way to fix this.

\-------

Placing the note on the coffee table Sam head for the door. He couldn't stand just sitting in the bunker right now. Cass was off doing who knew what and Dean decided to try to drown himself in alcohol. With those two distracted Sam decided to leave the bunker and just drive for a while. He should be able to make it back to the bunker before Dean sobered up and realized his car was missing.

Driving down the highway Sam let his mind drift. He had no good excuse for why Dean or Cass hadn't been able to see the letter but there was an even bigger question. How had the letter gotten there in the first place. Cass hadn't been able to port into the bunker even with the extra Grace. Crowley was good at being sneaky but there was no way he would be able to blink in if Cass couldn't. It had to be someone with more power than those two.

Question after question ran through his mind as he drove. Not one of them had any good answers. He spent so long pondering them he didn't realize how long he had been driving until the sky began to lighten. Checking the gas tank he groaned. Dean would kill him if he brought the car back with no gas.

Sam made his way to the nearest gas station. Still distracted by the questions he filled up the Impala before heading inside to pay for the gas. As he made his way back to the car someone he heard someone say his name. Turning Sam frowned when he noticed the men standing behind him.

"Yes?"

There was a soft flutter of wings as one of the two disappeared. He hear the sound again behind him. Angels, he thought as he started turning to keep an eye on both of them. Before he could manage there was a firm grip on his shoulder and the world went black.

\-------

"Sire."

Crowley turned and glared at the demon.

"What part of 'do not bother me under any circumstances' did you not understand?"

Reaching out with his power he raised the demon by his throat.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you." He let the demon gasp for air before removing just enough pressure to allow speech.

"I bring news," the demon gasped.

"News of what?"

"Sam Winchester," the demon managed still gasping.

Crowley stiffened and retracted slightly more of the pressure. "What news?"

"He was taken... by angels."

The angels had his Sam? Why would angels even want him? With everything else the angels were dealing with the Winchesters should be fairly low on their priority list. Even if they ran across either one of the brothers there was no reason to abduct them. Except as leverage against Castiel, Crowley realized. None of what happened had been Castiel's fault but the angels did still blame him.

"Sire?"

"Bring me the angel Castiel," he commanded flinging the demon against the wall. Stumbling the demon stood and opened the door. The demon fled pausing only to make sure to shut the door behind himself. The angels had his Sam? If they did anything to hurt him…

\-------

A very annoying buzzing sound assaulted his ears. Groaning Dean turned over and reached for his phone. Fumbling for a while he finally managed to grab the cell. Inspecting the caller I.D. Dean stared at the number in shock. Flipping it open he hit accept.

"You better have a fucking good explanation for where you've been Crowley or so help me God-"

_"The angels have Sam."_

"What?"

_"The angels abducted Sam. We need to get him back. Now."_

"That's impossible Crowley. There's no way they could get into the bunker to take him."

_"For whatever reason Sam left the bunker last night. Two angels spotted him and took him."_

"Why would he leave the bunker."

_"We don't have time for this. Believe me or don't but I trying to help your brother. If you have any way of contacting Castiel I suggest you do it. I've got demons looking for him but that might take too long."_

Before Dean could respond Crowley disconnected the call. Damn it! Sam would never have left the bunker without telling him. At the very least he would have left a note. Dean headed for his brother's room taking the stairs two at a time. As he ran up the stairs he punched Sam's number into the phone.

"Sammy!"

Slamming the doors open to both Sam and Crowley's rooms he found both empty. Dean racked his brain trying to find a way Crowley was wrong. As the phone rang for the sixth time someone finally answered.

_"Dean, so good of you to call."_

"Where is he you son of a bitch?"

_"I assume you mean your loving brother?"_

"Where is he!"

_"Sammy can't come to the phone right now. He's all tied up at the moment."_

"If you touch him-"

_"Too late I'm afraid. However if you want to keep him alive I'd suggest you don't interrupt me again."_

"How do I know he's still alive and you haven't already killed him?"

_"You don't, but I don't lie. I'm afraid you're just going to have to take my word on this. If you continue to defy me it'll be Sam that pays. Understood?"_

Dean seethed wanting to tell him off but not willing to risk Sam's life.

_"I'm waiting Dean."_

"I want proof he's alive."

_"He's alive because he's no good to us dead. We only need one of you though. If you don't cooperate now I'll kill him and you can take his place."_

"What do you want."

_"It's simple really. I want you to do absolutely nothing. If your angel friend plays friendly than your brother gets returned."_

"Cass?"

_"Must you humans always insist on bastardizing everything. If you mean Castiel, then yes. You will call him and you will tell him he is required to report to heaven, then you will do nothing. If you and he can follow the rules your brother will be returned."_

"Unharmed."

_"You do not set the conditions. Defy me and your brother dies."_

The line went dead and Dean slammed the phone shut. Crowley was right. How the hell had Crowley known angels had Sam? Opening the phone again he redialed Crowley. The phone rang several times before it was answered.

_"A little busy at the moment as you should be."_

"How did you know it was angels that took Sam?"

_"Because I had eyes watching. Now is not really the time for this conversation. I'll call you back."_

"Crowley," Dean yelled as the line went dead. Damn it!

With no other option Dean closed his eyes and prayed to Castiel.

\-------

"And who was that?"

"No one you need to know about. Just tell me what I need to know."

"Why would I? I mean have you seen the appalling living conditions I have to endure."

"This is not a debate mother."

"I beg to differ. See, you want something of me. Why should I not get something in return?"

Could he find Sam without her? Did he dare waste time trying? How could he set her free knowing that would just endanger Sam if she ever found out about him? Crowley turned his back to her and his eyes slid closed.

"You're wasting time, dear boy. Tick tock, tick tock."

\-------

At the sound of the doorbell buzzing Dean opened his eyes. Guess Sam hadn't gotten around to fixing the wards yet. Walking to the front door Dean paused with his hand on the knob. Or Sam had fixed the wards and that wasn't Cass. The buzzer sounded again as Dean continued to hesitate. This was stupid. No one else knew where they were and it was unlikely another angel had heard his prayer to Cass.

Yanking the door open Dean was relieved to see his angel there. Well, hopefully still his angel. Reaching forward he pulled Cass inside. Shutting the door he locked it and turned back to Cass. God, he wished he knew where they stood with each other now.

"You prayed?"

"The angels took Sam."

Cass cocked his head and stared at Dean. "Why?"

"Because they want you."

"Why take Sam?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"How do you know it was angels?"

"Crowley told me and I actually talked to one of the douche bags on Sammy's cell."

"What's Crowley's part in this?"

"Aren't you listening? Sammy's been taken by angels. We need to get him back, now."

"We will, I just need some information to plan how."

\-------

"Shall we see what's in that head of yours?"

Sam glared at the angel.

"Oh don't worry. It won't hurt that much."

As the angel walked closer Sam struggled to break free but the ropes binding him to the chair held fast. Reaching forward the angel pressed his hands to either side of Sam's face. Sam jerked sideways but the angel merely tightened his grip. Bring his face down to look eye to eye with Sam the angel grinned.

Sam felt something sharp pierce his mind and flinched in pain. There was a feeling like a hundred nails were being driven into his brain and his vision flashed solid white. He wasn't going to live through this. How could he? He was going to die this time. He would never see Dean again. Never see Crowley. Suddenly the angel hissed and released him. Sam breathed as the pain lessened minutely.

"What did you do?"

Still struggling with the pain Sam couldn't respond.

\-------

"Did you find the location?"

"Yes, sire. A warehouse three miles north of the town."

"Gather everyone else. We leave in five minutes."

The demon left to carry out the order.

"Just what's so special about this… human?"

"We have a deal mother. You're freedom for your assistance in this task."

"It's a simple question Fergus."

"Crowley," Crowley growled. "And the deal was no questions asked."

"I was just making polite conversation."

"Move, we're wasting time."

"He's only a human. Why go to this much trouble over him?"

"Move mother."

As they started to meet up with the rest of the demons a sharp pain stabbed through his mind.

\-------

The angel released another thread of Grace into his mind and Sam groaned. The pain was unbearable. Please let this end, Sam begged. He couldn't take anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't hold out any longer Dean. It hurts too much. I'm sorry for not being able to make up my mind Crowley. Forgive me.

The angel hissed and withdrew the Grace.

"That. How do you do that," The angel demanded.

Sam was so lost in the pain he couldn't comprehend the question. Didn't want to comprehend. He only wanted this pain to finally end. His only regrets were how hurt Dean would be and never getting to see Crowley one last time.

\-------

The second they blinked to the warehouse Crowley pulled out his cell called Dean.

"Please tell me you found your angel."

"Angel," his mother asked.

Crowley waved her away.

_"Yeah, why? What's up?"_

"Found Sam."

_"Where?"_

"Warehouse three miles north of town. There's an angel guarding him. Think Castiel can take care of that for us?"

There was a slight pause before Dean responded. _"He says yeah. Only one?"_

"As far as we know."

_"Be right there," Dean replied cutting the call._

Closing the cell Crowley put the phone in his pocket and waited. One minute; two minutes. Hurry it up! Finally there was a flutter of wings. Crowley gave a sharp nod towards the warehouse. "In there."

Cass glanced at the warehouse and back to Crowley. "Give me a minute or two before the rest of you enter. I'll take the angel elsewhere and deal with him."

"Understood," Crowley acknowledged.

Without another word Castiel ported into the warehouse. After exactly two minutes Crowley grabbed Dean's shoulder with one hand and looked to the other demons. "Everyone go," he ordered.

Blinking into the warehouse Crowley didn't know what to expect. The second he saw Sam bound and bleeding in the chair he froze. They were too late, Sam was dead. Crowley felt his world falling apart until he saw Sam's head roll slightly to the side. Sam was alive? Without a second thought Crowley blinked to his side. Reaching up Crowley cupped Sam's cheek.

"Sam? Say something, please?"

"So he's your current boy-toy is he?"

Crowley spun to face his mother. Muttering a few words she flicked her hands out and Crowley braced to defend himself. Nothing happened. Behind him Sam groaned loudly. No, Crowley thought terrified. "Kill her," he ordered his demons.

Turning back Crowley knelt next to Sam. Sam was still groaning and struggling against the ropes binding him. With a thought Crowley willed the ropes away. Grabbing Sam's shoulders he pulled him close. Crowley desperately thought through all the witchcraft he knew trying to figure out what she had done to him.

"Crowley," Dean yelled. "Little help here?"

Twisting Crowley looked back over his shoulder still clinging to Sam. Everything was complete pandemonium. Demons were fighting demons. Dean was being attacked by two demons at once. That bitch who'd done who knew what to Sam was just watching. Every now and then she'd throw out another spell either killing the demons in one area or causing a few to go berserk and attack everything around them.

Crowley was torn between helping or blinking Sam out of the warehouse. Before he could decide the doors swung open. Squinting against the brightness Crowley felt the presence before he could see it. Cain. This was bad, they needed to leave. Now. Crowley looked back to Dean and realized there was no way he could reach the older Winchester in time. Attempting to blink out with just Sam Crowley's fear grew when he realized his powers were suppressed. They were all going to die.

All the demons had stopped fighting and stared. Cain finally strode into the warehouse and waved a hand behind himself. The doors slammed shut. Every demon in the building rushed Demon Knight. Crowley grabbed the chair Sam was sitting in and dragged it to a corner in the back of the room. Pulling out the angel blade with his left hand he grabbed the Colt with his right. Whatever happened he would protect Sam.

Despite the overwhelming odds Cain had no problems besting the demons. It was over in a matter of minutes. When all the other demons were dead Cain turned to Crowley's mother. As she raised her hand to cast a spell Cain lunged at her.

"No," Crowley yelled. Before he could act his mother was dead. Crowley turned back to Sam. Sometimes a spell could be broken if you killed the witch who had cast it. Not this time it seemed. Sam was still groaning and tossing back and forth in the chair.

"So you're the demon he's in love with," a low voice noted just behind him.

Crowley spun to face Cain.

"We needed her alive!"

"Did you?"

"Sammy," Dean called out.

Keeping himself between Sam and Cain, Crowley shifted to let Dean get to his brother.

"I don't have any idea what spell she cast. We needed her to take the spell off him!"

Cain raised an eyebrow and peered over Crowley's shoulder. Shifting Crowley raised the angel blade. Cain's eyes move to watch Crowley. For a moment neither spoke. Finally Cain broke the silence.

"I met him once. They unintentionally did me a favor so I repaid him by giving him some advice. I'm going to give you the same advice now. Pay attention to it, I don't do favors often. As much as you need him, he need you."

"How do we get the spell off him?"

"I told you what you need to know. You have to figure out the rest."

Before Crowley could ask anything else Cain was gone.

"What's wrong with him," Dean asked worried.

Turning back Crowley instantly dropped down to kneel next to Sam again.

"I don't know. It's a spell my mother cast."

"You're mother?"

"Yeah," Crowley admitted. "And what I know about witchcraft wouldn't scratch the surface of what she knows."

"Are you crazy? Why would you bring a witch into this?"

"I was thinking I might need her to help save Sam. Why else would I have risked freeing her," Crowley spat out. "Okay, think," he said talking out loud to himself. "There has to be something I'm missing."

"Yeah, you missed the part where we don't make deals with witches."

"Not now Dean."

"Not now? This is your fault Crowley!"

"I know that!"

"And freaking Cain. Why couldn't he give us anything we could use?"

Crowley froze. "Cain?"

"Yeah. Not long after you left we took out an angel. Cain showed up later that night spouting the same crap."

"Exactly the same?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes Dean, answer me!"

"Fine, yes. Exactly the same. 'As much as you need him, he needs you.' Lots of good it did. You stayed gone, Sam continued pining. By the way, I owe you something."

Crowley looked up just in time for Dean's fist to crash into his face. Wincing Crowley rubbed his jaw. "What the hell was that for?"

"For breaking my brother's heart. I told you, you hurt him, I'll hurt you."

"I'm sorry," Crowley whispered staring at the floor.

"You need to tell Sam that, not me."

_As much as you need him he needs you._

Standing Crowley lifted Sam out of the chair. Crowley sat in the chair and pulled Sam onto his lap. Wrapping his arms around the younger Winchester Crowley dropped his face into Sam's neck. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I only ever pushed you away to keep you safe. I'm sorry Sam."

A very unpleasant memory from his past flashed through his mind and Crowley shoved it away. "You have to come back to me Sam. I need you."

Another unpleasant memory from his past flashed across his mind and Crowley growled before shoving it away. "I'm sorry. For everything. Please come back Moose."

Suddenly every single painful memory he had came crashing back. Crowley gasped struggling to breath. He remembered every beating he received when he had been a child until he was able to stand up for himself. He remembered when his mother had found out he liked men as well as girls. The punishments from that had been worse than any before.

He remembered the real reason he had sold his soul. He had begged and pleaded, and screamed through the punishments for not doing as she wished, until he finally gave in and sold his soul for her benefit. He remembered vividly the the pain of the torture pits in hell. He had sworn he would never be weak again. Then he had been captured. Captured and turned mostly human; not even fully human. What right did he even have to exist? No one wanted him. No one needed him.

"Crowley?"

Dean? Crowley opened his eyes and looked up at Dean without moving. Yes, Dean; Dean and Sam. Sam at least needed him. He snuggled against Sam's neck and inhaled deeply. He could smell Sam's shampoo in his hair. He had to focus. If he couldn't focus he couldn't help Sam.

"Sam," Crowley whispered. "Come back to me? Please. I need you. I promised you I would wait forever for you to understand how you felt. I meant it. I would wait forever for you, but right now I need you to come back. For me?"

He felt Sam stilling slightly.

"Yes. Just like that. Listen to my voice, Sam. Even if I can't be with you I need you. I can't keep going without you in this world. Even if I can't have you you'll always be my Moose. Please come back to me." Sam finally stilled with his head leaning against Crowley's. Crowley nuzzled Sam's neck again and hummed into Sam's shoulder. It wasn't any real song, just a random tune he made up as he went along. Slowly Crowley began rocking them as he hummed.

"Crowley," Sam whispered.

"Shh, we're okay."

"Angels," Sam muttered.

"No, no angels anymore. Safe."

"Crowley?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Need you."

"I know. It's okay Sam."

Sam twisted slightly until he was sitting sideways in Crowley's lap and wrapped his arms around him. Crowley smiled and inhaled the scent of Sam's shampoo once again.

"Mmm, home?"

"I can only blink us within fifteen feet Sam."

"'S fine," Sam mumbled.

"I can't take the chair Sam."

"Comfortable," Sam complained snuggling into Crowley's chest.

Crowley smiled again. Reaching one arm under Sam's legs he stood. "Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Grab my shoulder."

Dean grabbed his shoulder and Crowley blinked them back to the bunker. Never had he been so glad to have his powers. He could lift Sam easily and blink them home instantly. Crowley paused. Home? Was the bunker home to him now? Looking down Crowley realized anywhere with Sam was home.


	2. How Far We've Come

"Sam," Crowley called out quietly. There was no response. Shifting Sam in his arms Crowley looked down realized the other man had fallen asleep. Incredible. Only Sam could fall asleep in the time it took to blink from one place to another. Crowley walked into the bunker careful not to jostle Sam too much or wake him.

Inside Crowley decided to try blinking to Sam's room instead of carrying him the whole way. Strangely it worked. Okay so blinking to the bunker, check. Blinking around inside the bunker, check. Just no blinking into or out of the bunker. Got it. Crowley jerked his head lightly to the right and the covers flipped backward. Laying Sam down Crowley ran his fingers across Sam's forehead brushing stray hairs back away from Sam's face. Feeling another presence he glanced to the doorway.

"Hey," Dean said quietly.

Ignoring Dean Crowley snapped his fingers and a bowl of warm water with a washcloth appeared on the nightstand. Crowley dipped the washcloth into the water and squeezed it gently to wring out the excess water. Carefully he dabbed at the blood on Sam's face. The injuries looked painful but thankfully not life threatening. If they had gone in sooner could he have prevented any of this? After he had finished cleaning the blood away Crowley checked for any other injuries. Sam let out a small whine and shifted in his sleep.

"Shh, I'm sorry. I have to check, it'll be over soon."

"Crowley?"

"It's me Sam. You're safe now."

"Dean?"

"Dean's safe too Sam."

Sam didn't respond and Crowley finished his work quickly. When he was finally satisfied nothing needed his immediate attention he tucked the blankets around Sam and checked the pillow. He tried to think if there was anything else. When nothing sprang to mind he bent down and kissed Sam gently on the forehead. Sam sighed softly and snuggled into the bed.

When Crowley heard Dean enter the room he turned to watch the older Winchester. Walking to the foot of the bed Dean reached down and pulled some of the covers back uncovering Sam's foot. Crowley gave Dean a questioning glance.

"He'd kick it off anyway. He never can sleep with both feet under the covers," Dean whispered.

Crowley nodded making a mental note. With a nod to the door Crowley eyed Dean and raised an eyebrow. Dean gave one sharp nod and both headed for the door. As they exited the room Crowley pulled the door closed leaving it cracked almost two inches.

"He's always slept with one foot uncovered. Even when he was a kid," Dean told him.

"Thank you," Crowley said quietly.

"Thank you," Dean told him. "For whatever you did that helped Sammy."

"As much as you need him, he needs you. Cain gave us the the answer."

Dean frowned. "I don't understand."

"I think we're connected. At first I passed it off and lingering effects from the blood withdrawals. Now I'm not so sure."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes I get these inexplicable feelings. Like before we got to the warehouse I felt a sharp pain in my mind. The feeling was very familiar to me. It's the exact same feeling as if an angel were prying into a demon's mind without caring if they hurt them."

"And there was an angel with Sam."

Crowley nodded.

"But Sam's not a demon."

"But I am. Also, I have human emotions now and I'm not a human. I think we're connected somehow now."

"The trials?"

Crowley shrugged.

"What exactly did you do back there?"

"I'm not sure. Whatever the spell was it affected me as well when I tried to talk to Sam. I'm not sure how it affected him but it was 'unpleasant' for me."

"Unpleasant?"

"Emotionally. It brought up," Crowley paused and stared at Dean for a moment. "Things I would rather not have remembered. It made me feel like I was worthless, like I shouldn't exist any longer. When you spoke I had completely forgotten you were even there. Seeing you reminded me of Sam which reminded me I had to help him."

"Whatever you did, thank you."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Is… Does Sam… How angry is he," Crowley asked.

"Angry?"

"Yeah. About me leaving and not having any contact," Crowley whispered dropping his eyes to the floor.

"Hey."

Crowley bit his lower lip and raised his eyes to meet Dean's.

"He wasn't mad."

Crowley stared at Dean confused.

"He wasn't mad, Crowley, he was upset."

"Upset?"

"Sad, Crowley. He was never angry with you."

Crowley held Dean's eyes a moment longer before looking away.

"I never wanted to hurt him," Crowley whispered.

"I know. Why don't you go in there and get some sleep? We can discuss this later."

"Are you sure I should?"

"I think he'd want you to be there when he wakes up," Dean told him.

"That's not the same as wanting me in his bed."

"I swear to God Crowley if you don't go into that room, get into that bed and hold him while he sleeps I'm knocking you unconscious and throwing you in that bed."

Crowley nodded still feeling guilty for upsetting Sam.

"Dean?"

"Crowley," Dean growled.

"I just wanted to apologize to you as well."

"Why to me?"

"For hurting your brother. For making you have to deal with the fallout of my actions. For anything and everything I've done to you in the past."

"Go," Dean ordered.

With a final nod Crowley reentered the room and closed the door quietly. For a while all he could do was watch Sam sleep. Sam hadn't been angry? If he had been in Sam's place he would have been furious. Watching Sam Crowley realized he was wrong. If Sam had left him Crowley would have been hurt and deeply saddened but not angry. How could he be angry at Sam for leaving when Crowley knew he wasn't good enough for someone like Sam?

Sam whined softly and stretched one arm out across the bed. Crowley smiled and moved to sit down in Sam's chair. Quickly he removed his shoes placing them under the desk and out of the way. Removing his jacket Crowley hung it over the chair before standing. As he approached the bed Crowley inspected Sam once more.

"Beautiful," he whispered.

Carefully Crowley pulled the covers back and got into the bed. Moving slowly he made his way closer to Sam. As Crowley lifted Sam's arm Sam pulled the arm out of Crowley's grasp, grabbed Crowley and pulled him closer. Wrapping the arm around Crowley Sam snuggling against him and sighed contentedly. Yes, Crowley thought, this was home.

.

Crowley's eyes opened and he stared at the far wall. Something wasn't right. Frowning he tried to understand what was wrong when it finally hit him. He wasn't slightly warm. Sam wasn't holding him or pressed against him anymore. Turning over he was relieved to see Sam was still in the bed until he saw the expression on Sam's face. As Crowley watched Sam tossed and let out a small whimper.

Reaching out Crowley brushed his fingers over Sam's forehead to move the hair away from his face. Moving closer he put an arm over Sam and held him. "Shh. It's not real. It's just a nightmare Sam. You're fine."

"Crowley," Sam whined.

"Shh, I'm here and you're safe. It's not real Sam, not real."

Crowley continued soothing Sam until he seemed to settle. Leaving his arm over Sam he whispered, "I'm here now Sam. I'm not going anywhere. It's alright now."

Unable to go back to sleep in case Sam had another nightmare Crowley stayed up the rest of the night watching him.

.

Lost in his own thoughts Crowley missed the moment when Sam finally opened his eyes. Sam jerked away and Crowley instantly drew back. He knew from personal experience sometimes people didn't want to be touched after nightmares. Watching Crowley waited to see how Sam was feeling.

"Crowley," Sam asked sounding confused.

Crowley gave a small smile. "Yeah."

"What are you doing here?"

Crowley's eyes slid shut.

"Sorry, I… I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay. I'm the one that left you," Crowley said quietly.

"Why?"

Crowley opened his eyes and inspected Sam's face. "Why what?"

"Why did you leave?"

And didn't that hurt? The only thing he wanted was to keep Sam safe and he just kept hurting him. What could he say to explain why he'd left that wouldn't just hurt Sam more? "I wanted to keep you safe," he whispered.

"I needed you."

"I'm sorry."

"I looked for you."

"I know." And he had known Sam would look for him. It was just Sam. It wasn't like him to let anything go without exhausting every possible solution. The emotional turmoil he must have cause Sam?

"I needed you and you left me."

"I'm sorry."

"Get out."

Crowley felt his heart breaking. _This_ was what he had been afraid of happening. _This_ was what he had been trying to tell Dean he was worried about last night. Just because someone cared about you didn't mean they wanted you around. Carefully Crowley pulled the covers back and got out of the bed. He turned back and tried to re-tuck the covers around Sam. Sam swatted his hands away.

"Leave," Sam ordered.

Heart breaking more Crowley made his way to the door. Looking back he eyed Sam mournfully. He had only ever tried to keep from hurting Sam. The look on Sam's face said everything. Sam hated him. After everything he had done? Crowley couldn't blame him.

"I'm sorry," he said once more closing the door behind himself.

It felt odd not having his shoes or jacket but he couldn't bring himself to care too much right now. Sam didn't want anything to do with him. Crowley felt his world crashing down around him. Without any real destination in mind he made his way to the kitchen. Dean was there sitting at the table with a plate of food in front of him.

\---------

"Sam?"

"He hates me," Crowley stated bluntly.

Dean's eyebrows lowered. "No he doesn't."

"Yes he does. I don't blame him. I'd hate me."

Dean stood and started to leave the kitchen. Stopping at the archway he turned back and stared at Crowley. "If you move from that spot I'll gut you. Stay," he ordered.

God dammit Sammy. As much as he needed Cass he recognized that Sam needed Crowley. Whatever Sam had done he had to fix this. They needed each other. Dean made his way to Sam's room. Shoving the door open he stared at his brother's back.

"Damn it Crowley," Sam said turning over. "I told you-" Sam stopped speaking the second he saw his brother.

"Shut it Sam," Dean told him. "You need him and you can't deny that."

"I don't need him," Sam growled crossing his arms over his chest.

"Pft. Yes, you do. Say what you want but you love him."

"But I don't _need_ him," Sam argued.

"Yes you do," Dean refuted. Sighing to himself Dean moved to sit on the edge of Sam's bed. Looking to his brother Dean shook his head. "You need him and he needs you," he said quietly.

"I don't need someone who would leave me," Sam argued.

"Sammy?"

"What?"

"You can't lie to me. I know you. You need him."

"He left me!"

"He was trying to protect you."

"Protect me? From what?"

"From anything that would hurt you. Look inside, you know I'm right."

"He left me Dean. What's to stop him from leaving me again?"

"Nothing. You just have to have faith."

"Faith?"

"Yes. How many times have you told me I had to have faith in Cass?"

"Cass is different."

"No he's not. Crowley loves you."

"You don't leave those you love," Sam argued.

"He was trying to protect you," Dean shot back. "He loves you Sam. That's rare, that's important. You don't let something like that go without a fight."

"He… left me."

"To protect you. He loves you Sam."

"If you knew half of what he's been through…"

"Crowley?"

Sam stared at Dean confused. "I… What?"

"Crowley," Dean pressed. "You know what he's been through? His past?"

"Of course I know," Sam stated crossing his arms again.

"Okay. Tell me."

Sam hesitated. "No."

"Why?"

"Because it's not my story to tell."

"Is it something you should hold against him?"

Sam opened his mouth and promptly shut it. "No," he said quietly.

"Then why are you," Dean asked.

\---------

Crowley sat in the chair and wrapped his arms around himself. He had never wanted to hurt Sam. Everything he had done was to keep Sam from being hurt. _You think you deserve love?_ Yes, Crowley shot back. Just... just not from Sam. Sam was so… good. He never deserved anyone like Sam.

As Dean entered the kitchen Crowley looked up hopefully. Dean shook his head and Crowley dropped his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Not your fault," Dean told him. "You know Sam does love you, don't you?"

"He has no reason to love me," Crowley argued softly.

"Damn you two. He loves you and you love him. If you give up on him again, so help me God…" Dean trailed off.

"I won't press him," Crowley said quietly.

"You have to," Dean told him.

"I won't," Crowley stated adamantly. "I hurt him. I don't deserve him Dean."

"Doesn't matter. You two need each other."

"That's Sam's call. I'm not going to press this Dean. I… I love him too much."

"I know," Dean said quietly.

Dean's arm around him felt almost as good as Sam's. He knew he shouldn't take the comfort Sam's brother offered but he couldn't help himself. He hurt Sam. He needed… something. Someone to tell him it hadn't been for nothing.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt him."

Dean didn't respond.

"Dean? Forgive me? Please?"

"It's not my forgiveness you need."

"No," Crowley affirmed. "I never wanted to hurt him."

"It'll be okay Crowley."

"Please make him not hate me. I didn't want to hurt him. Ever."

"I know."

Crowley broke, he couldn't take the kindness.

"I love him," he murmured through the tears.

Dean continued him rubbing Crowley's back.

"It hurts."

"I know," Dean repeated.

"Please make him not hate me?"

"I can't do that. That's up to him, Crowley."

"I know," Crowley whispered. "I just… I love him."

\---------

Sam lay in his bed inspecting his surroundings. God he missed Crowley. No, he told himself. Crowley had left him. Crowley had hurt him. He couldn't trust Crowley. Especially after the dreams. What if that had been a trick by Crowley. He crawled out of bed and grabbed his pants. Pulling them on he made his way downstairs. He stopped short when he reached the kitchen. He could hear Crowley and his brother.

"Please?"

"That's Sam's call," Dean told him softly.

"I never wanted to be the cause of _any_ pain for Sam."

"I know."

"Take care of him. For me?"

"If you give up on him-"

"I don't deserve him. I actually deserve to not have him."

"You need each other. Deserved or not."

"Sam should have so much more than the likes of me," Crowley argued.

"I agree, but it's not up to me."

"If… If he finds someone else please don't tell me."

Dean grabbed Crowley's chin and jerked it so that they were facing each other. "He will never find anyone he loves as much as you. Understood?"

Crowley attempted to shake his head. His actions were thwarted by Dean's hold.

"He will never find anyone who loves him as much as you. 'As much as you need him,' right?"

"It's not that simple Dean."

"Isn't it?"

Suddenly Sam didn't feel so good. It should be him holding Crowley not Dean. Crowley needed him and he had thrown him out of the bedroom. What if the dreams had been real and not some trick by Crowley?

"I'm sorry I hurt him. I only ever wanted to keep him safe."

"I know."

"Crowley," Sam asked finally entering the kitchen.

Crowley tried to shove Dean's arm off of his shoulders but Dean wouldn't let go of him.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He jerked against Dean's hold again.

"Crowley, stop," Sam ordered. Crowley froze. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I hurt you," Crowley countered quietly.

"Two wrongs don't make a right. I was just mad. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I did hurt you though."

Yes, he did and wasn't that the problem? How could he trust Crowley? On the other hand, watching Dean holding a sobbing Crowley was heartbreaking. How could he not trust Crowley. He had to know.

"Yes, you did. It's going to happen. At least until we each find our footing in this… whatever it is. I need to know something. What part did you have in my dreams?"

"Dreams," Crowley asked with a small hiccup.

"Yes. What part did you have?"

"I… I didn't… I don't…"

"You didn't interfere with my dreams?"

"Why would I?"

Sam shook his head. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I… I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know. I'm sorry Crowley."

Crowley stood and walked over to hug Sam. As he felt Sam stiffen Crowley quickly stepped back leaving his hands on Sam's shoulders. Looking deep into Sam's eyes he could sense Sam's distress.

"Sam?"

"It's… nothing."

Crowley's brow furrowed. "That's not quite accurate is it, Samual?"

"It's all I'm saying about it right now."

Crowley released him and took a step back. "Do," Crowley paused and licked his lips. Sam waited. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

Sam held his arm out and Crowley hesitated.

"I'm sorry I hurt you too. Forgive me," Sam asked.

"Always."

Crowley wrapped his arms around him and Sam held him.

\---------

He didn't deserve this after everything he had done. He should let go of Sam, but he couldn't. Why had Sam apologized? Sam hadn't done anything wrong. Crowley snuggled into Sam more. Damn he needed this, needed Sam.

"Shh. It's okay, I'm sorry," Sam soothed.

"You didn't do anything. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, shh."

As much as he knew he should let Sam go he couldn't Please just let me have this, he prayed. I need him. Again, he had no idea who he was praying to.

"I need you," he told Sam.

"I know, I need you too."

"I don't deserve you."

"Hush," Sam told him.

And damned if Crowley didn't 'hush'. Anything Sam wanted.

"We need to talk."

Crowley froze.

"Shh. I just need to tell you a few things and ask a few questions."

Crowley nodded. Sam grabbed his hand and led him out of the kitchen. Crowley glanced back briefly to look at Dean. Dean waved at him with a shooing motion. Turning back Crowley followed Sam out of the kitchen.

They walked up the stairs and down the hall finally arriving at Sam's bedroom. Crowley smiled lightly despite his trepidation. In spite of his nervousness Sam was holding his hand. Crowley shook his head. That was such a 'girl' thought he should be ashamed. Leading them into the room Sam shut the door behind them.

"First things first. How did you mail the letter?"

Crowley stared at him confused. "What letter?"

Sam walked over to his desk and opened the center drawer. Digging in the drawer he pulled out several sheets of thick paper he returned. Crowley blanched. He recognized the paper. Almost no one used that type of paper anymore. The last time he had seen it was when he had written the letter to Sam and burned it.

"Not possible," Crowley muttered grabbing the papers.

However not possible it was, this was his letter to Sam.

"That letter."

"I burned this," Crowley told him still staring at the papers.

"Obviously not."

Crowley looked up and met Sam's eyes. "No, you don't understand. I put this in the fireplace and watched it burn."

"Then how did it get here?"

"No idea but it shouldn't have. I never meant for you to see this."

"Why?"

"I needed to tell you how I felt but I didn't want hurt you anymore," he admitted dropping his eyes back to the letter.

"You never meant to come back, did you?"

"No."

"Why did you?"

"You were in danger. I had to do something."

"Why," Sam prompted.

"Because I didn't want you to get hurt."

"That's all," Sam asked raising an eyebrow. "You just didn't want me to get hurt?"

Crowley bit his lower lip.

"Why," Sam persisted.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I love you," Crowley blurted out. "I love you but you deserve better. I wanted you to find someone good enough for you. Someone who wouldn't put you in danger. Someone worthy of your love."

"Someone not you," Sam argued.

"I'm sorry."

Crowley dropped onto the bed and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Because it doesn't matter what I want?"

It's not like that, Crowley tried to say but the words got stuck in his throat.

"Because you get to decide who can be with and who I can't," Sam asked walking closer.

His eyes watered and Crowley started rocking himself back and forth.

"I don't get a say in what I want?"

Crowley rocked harder. Suddenly Sam's arms were around him. Every fiber in him told him to resist, not to take comfort in Sam's embrace, but he couldn't stop himself. "I'm sorry," he repeated leaning against Sam.

"Shh," Sam whispered.

Crowley shook his head but couldn't speak.

"Shh, it's okay."

"It's not. I hurt you."

"On purpose?"

Crowley shook his head again.

"I can accept that."

Crowley reached out and wrapped his arms around Sam. It forced Sam's arms off his shoulders but he had to hold Sam. Moving, Sam put his arms around Crowley's waist and drew him closer. With a hand on Crowley's back Sam rubbed small circles.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated.

"Hush," Sam ordered.

Crowley nodded silently.

\---------

Still holding Crowley Sam moved them so they were laying down. There were still questions to be asked but they could wait. Crowley needed him right now. For now he would settle for comforting Crowley. He held Crowley as they lay there and snuggled close.

"Shh, it's okay. Everyone deserves to be loved."

Crowley shook his head violently.

"Yes Crowley, even you."

Crowley clung onto him tighter. Had Crowley ever been loved before? Probably not if the dreams were anything to go by. That was another thing, the dreams. Why was he having dreams of Crowley's childhood?

"Love you," Crowley muttered.

"Shh," Sam whispered still rubbing his back.

He continued to hold Crowley until Crowley fell asleep. Tired himself Sam curled up around Crowley and closed his eyes. They could talk later, for now a nap didn't sound half bad.

\---------

"Sammy?"

Dean knocked on the door lightly but there was no response. Opening the door he peered in and saw Sam curled around Crowley asleep. Good, he thought as he closed the door. Those two belonged with each other. Dean made his way down the hallway back to his room when he heard the buzzer for the front door. Passing his room he headed for the door quickly to keep whoever it was from ringing again.

Opening the door revealed Cass. Dean reached out and pulled the angel into a hug holding onto him tightly. Thank God Cass was alright. He had been worried when Cass hadn't shown up after the got back from the warehouse.

"I was worried about you," Dean told him finally releasing the angel.

As Cass entered the bunker Dean closed the door.

"Cass?"

"It's nothing Dean. Sam?"

"He's with Crowley right now."

"He didn't look good when I was there," Cass stated inspecting the balcony leading to Sam's room.

"Crowley cleaned most of the injuries. Sam should be fine."

Cass nodded absently.

"Cass?"

Tilting his head Cass turned back to Dean and waited.

"Are you okay?"

"There was more than one angel in the warehouse."

"How many?"

"Three."

"Dead," Dean asked.

"Dead," Cass confirmed.

\---------

Crowley opened his eyes and smiled at the slightly too warm feeling that signified Sam's presence behind him. Reaching out with his fingers he touched Sam's arm. He still wasn't sure someone like him deserved someone like Sam but Sam was right. It was his decision to make. Crowley had to accept that, for whatever reason, Sam wanted him.

"Mmm," Sam murmured. "Feels good."

Smiling Crowley continued running his fingertips down Sam's arm. Sam tightened his hold and pulled Crowley closer. Never had anything felt so perfect.

"Mine," Sam whispered sleepily.

"For as long as you want," Crowley replied.

"Mmm. Crowley?"

"Yeah?"

"If you still want to, I'd like to try."

"Try what," Crowley asked trying not to get his hopes up just in case.

"A relationship with you. If you still want to."

Crowley turned over and looked into Sam's eyes. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Why?"

"Yes or no Crowley?"

"Yes. Definitely yes. I… I just don't understand."

"Because I want to try, that's why."

Crowley nodded not trusting himself to speak.

"Good. Now let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

As Sam sat up and started to shove the covers back Crowley moved. Grabbing Sam's face Crowley pulled him close and kissed him quickly. Releasing Sam's face Crowley ducked his head and bit his lip.

"Crowley?"

"Sorry. It's just that I've wanted to do that for a long time."

Sam put a hand under Crowley's chin and gently raised his head. Leaning in close Sam put one hand behind Crowley's head and pressed their lips together. Crowley stared in shock for a few seconds before returning the kiss. Finally Sam pulled back still leaving his hand behind Crowley's head.

"So was that… okay," Sam asked.

Crowley stared unable to speak.

"I've never kissed a guy so," Sam trailed off. Finally he removed his hand from the back of Crowley's head and shrugged.

"That was more than okay," Crowley answered honestly.

"Thanks. I'm still not sure about the… other stuff yet. Sorry?"

"Don't be. I can wait as long as you need."

"So, food?"

Crowley nodded. Getting out of the bed he moved to the chair and grabbed his shoes. As he lifted them he caught sight of Sam watching him. Raising his head he waited.

"Shoes?"

"I don't usually go anywhere without being fully dressed."

"We're just going downstairs."

Crowley bit his lip. He didn't usually even step out of his bedroom without being fully dressed including shoes. It was another layer of his 'armor'; another way he distanced himself from those around him.

"Shoes or no shoes, hurry it up, I'm hungry."

"No shoes," he stated putting the shoes down. Sam needed food and there was no reason he needed to protect himself. At least not here with Sam.

\---------

Sam watched as Crowley returned the shoes. For some reason the prospect of not wearing shoes around the bunker seemed to make Crowley apprehensive. It finally dawned on him that Crowley used clothing as a shield.

"I can wait for you to put them on if you'd like."

Crowley shook his head. "It's okay."

"Jacket?"

"I'm good."

"Sure?"

"I'm sure. Come on, let's get you some food."

Approaching the door Crowley hesitated. Sam reached out and grabbed Crowley's hand. Looking into Crowley's eyes he waited. Finally Crowley seemed to relax. Smiling Sam led them downstairs still holding Crowley's hand. There was no one in the kitchen when they entered. Sam made a mental note to thank Dean for knocking sense into him. Releasing Crowley's hand Sam opened the fridge and inspected the contents.

"Sandwich," he asked looking back to Crowley.

Crowley shrugged. "I don't have to eat."

"Oh yeah. Forgot."

"But that doesn't mean I can't," Crowley stated in a rush. "Sandwich sounds good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Turkey or ham?"

"Whatever you're having. Sam?"

"Yeah," Sam answered digging for the mayonnaise.

"What's love?"

Sam jumped so hard he hit his head on the fridge door.

"I mean… I know what it is to me. I don't know what it is to you," Crowley clarified softly.

"Love?"

"Yeah. For me it's only ever been sex. I…" Crowley faltered. "I don't know what it really means beyond that and I don't want to push you for sex. I don't know what that means."

"Caring," Sam told Crowley, but even that sounded hollow. "Love is…" Sam trailed off trying to come up with a good answer. "Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself," he said finally.

Crowley furrowed his brows. "Like you and Dean," he said finally. "How you would both die for the other?"

"Yes," Sam answered feeling uncomfortable. As much as he cared for Crowley the topic of love always made him uncomfortable.

"I can't ask for that," Crowley finally stated. "But… Could you… maybe… cared if I lived?"

Sam lowered his brows and stared at Crowley. "Of course I care if you live. Why wouldn't I?"

"I… I don't know. I don't like to assume..." Crowley trailed off and fidgeted.

"Crowley?"

"Yeah?"

"Has anyone ever loved you before?"

"I…"

Crowley trailed off and the look of distress on his face was more than Sam could stand.

"I don't know," Crowley answered sounding confused.

"I do," Sam assured the demon. "I care."

"Why," Crowley asked perplexed.

"Because," Sam answered. "You're worth it."

"But why?"

"Because."

"I don't understand."

"What would you do if it wasn't me? If I was anyone else you cared about?"

"Take you," Crowley answered promptly.

"Even if I didn't want it," Sam questioned.

Crowley hesitated.

"No, no hesitation. Just answer."

"Yes."

"Without my consent?"

Crowley hesitated again.

"No. Just answer."

"Yes?"

"Would you do that now?"

Crowley shook his head. His mouth opened and closed trying to form words but seemed incapable. "No. I… You… I wouldn't… You…"

"Crowley."

"I couldn't… Sam?"

"Crowley stop."

Crowley shut his mouth promptly.

"I understand. I don't agree but I do understand… Okay?"

"I..."

Sam moved until he was behind Crowley. Wrapping his arms around the demon he held him. "I understand," he told Crowley.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Crowley admitted.

"The truth. Can you do that?"

"Yes," Crowley whispered.

"Always the truth," Sam told him.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"It's part of love," Sam told him. Had Crowley really never been loved? The dreams came back in full color and Sam fought not to cringe against them. If they were to be believed they were Crowley's childhood. How could he fault the demon anything after the dreams? If they were true.

"Crowley?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me about your childhood."

"No!" Crowley wrapped his arms around himself. "I can't. Please?"

"Crowley? Tell me. Please?"

"I can't. Please, anything else?"

"No."

"Sam…"

"Hey, you don't have to tell me. Just for that one thing."

"Only for sex?"

"Yes," Sam answered rubbing Crowley's arms "Just for that."

"And you won't be mad?"

"No. That's what love is Crowley."

"I… don't understand."

"I know," Sam answered hugging Crowley tightly. "It's fine. You don't have to tell me anything you're uncomfortable with."

"I feel…."

"Doesn't matter. Crowley?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you even if you can't talk about it.

"What if I can't ever talk about it," Crowley asked.

The pain he heard in Crowley's voice hurt. "Then I'll wait forever Crowley. _That's_ what love is."


	3. I'd Come For You

After they finished eating Sam picked up the dishes and took them to the sink.

“I have to go back to hell soon,” Crowley said quietly.

“Right now?”

“I can stay a little longer but with my last extended absence it’s not a good idea to stay away too long.”

“Don’t trust your loyal subjects?”

Crowley smiled “Demons are loyal but only to a point. If they think they can get away with something?” He shrugged.

“Must be hard not to be able to trust anyone.”

“It just is,” he said with another shrug. “I’ve never really been able to trust anyone my whole life so this isn’t any different.”

“Still has to be lonely,” Sam observed.

“It never seemed so before.”

“Now?”

“Any time I’m not with you it’s always lonely,” Crowley said quietly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You gave me something I’ve never had before. I will always be grateful for that.”

“You should have known love before,” Sam stated.

“I thought I did,” Crowley told him. “Then I met you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I never knew love until you. I’m grateful for everything you’ve given me.”

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“I dream about your childhood.”

Crowley stilled. 

“I think. I mean I don’t know if it’s real,” Sam continued.

Wrapping his arms around himself Crowley began to rock back and forth subconsciously.

“I hope it’s not,” Sam said. “I don’t like thinking you went through those things.”

“Please stop,” Crowley whispered.

“Crowley?”

Crowley shook his head. “Just… stop.”

“I’m sorry.”

Crowley shook his head again unable to speak. If Sam had seen his life?

“The dreams were real weren’t they?”

“I don’t know,” Crowley whispered. “I don’t know what happened in them.”

And instantly Sam was holding him. 

“Shh. It’s okay.”

Crowley couldn’t speak.

“I love you,” Sam told him quietly.

“Why,” Crowley asked.

“Love doesn’t need a reason. It just is.”

“I’ve hurt so many people.”

“I know.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still love you.”

“I… I need you Sam. You keep me...”

“Sane?”

“Human. I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done. 

“I know.”

“Don’t hate me. I think… I think I could survive anything as long as long as you don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

Crowley reached up and held onto Sam’s arms. As much as he hated being weak he needed Sam. Sam was like his lifeline to being human. How could Sam ever love anyone like him? He didn’t deserve this but he couldn’t let go of Sam. He needed him too much.

“Shh. It’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry. For everything.”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

For perhaps the first time in his life Crowley let himself break down. He let go of everything and entrusted himself to Sam praying that Sam would be there for him. No one else had ever been there for him and he had no reason to trust, but this was Sam. If he couldn’t trust Sam? Crowley gripped Sam’s arm tighter as he broke more. 

“Don’t leave me?”

“Never.”

And that was all it took. Crowley broke down with nothing more than faith that Sam would be there to hold him. Years of instinct told him this was wrong; told him that you can’t trust anyone but yourself. He shoved that away in favor of faith. Sam was… Sam. Sam would be there. Sam would never hurt him.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m not leaving,” Sam told him.

“Please,” Crowley begged unsure of what he was even asking for.

“I’m here. It’s okay. Break Crowley, I’ve got you. It’s alright.”

And if only for just this moment, everything was alright.

*-*-*-*

Dean stared at the spot where Cass had disappeared. Nothing had actually been settled but he still felt better. At least he knew Cass was alive. Shutting the door he made his way back to his room. He stopped when he neared the kitchen and heard his brother.

“Break Crowley, I’ve got you. It’s alright.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” Sam soothed.

“But I hurt you. And Dean.”

“On purpose?”

“Yes.”

“Would you do it again?”

Pause. Dean peered around the archway into the kitchen. Sam was standing behind Crowley holding the demon. Crowley was sitting in a chair at the table clinging to Sam’s arms like his life depended on Sam. Maybe it did.

“Please,” Crowley begged.

“Shh,” Sam soothed.

Looking up Sam made eye contact with him. Dean raised an eyebrow and Sam shook his head. Carefully Dean backed away. There was no reason Crowley needed to know he had seen him break down. Whatever was happening was between Sam and Crowley. He wouldn’t want either one of them to interfere if it was him and Cass.

*-*-*-*

“Crowley?”

“I’m so sorry Sam.”

“Shh, baby. Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

Crowley sniffled and looked up at Sam questioningly.

“I think we should go back to our room now. Okay?”

“Our room,” Crowley asked.

“You want to keep separate rooms?”

Crowley shook his head vigorously.

“Than you’re staying in my room. Come on.”

Sam reached down and helped Crowley stand. Crowley turned and burrowed into Sam. 

“Shh. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Need you,” Crowley whimpered. 

“I know. I need you too.”

“Really?”

“Really. Do have to carry you?”

Crowley smiled at the thought and shook his head. “I can walk.”

“Okay then, come on.”

Taking his hand Sam led them back to his bedroom. Crowley hesitated at the door.

“I still want you,” he whispered. For the sake of honesty he had to tell Sam.

“I know. But you won’t push.”

He looked up at Sam confused. “How do you can you be so sure?”

“I trust you,” Sam told him simply.

“Why,” Crowley asked baffled.

“Because I love you,” Sam said.

Crowley couldn’t do anything but stare. Why would Sam love him? He didn’t deserve Sam’s love. Had never deserved anything like it.

“You don’t earn love,” Sam told him. “Someone either loves you or they don’t. That’s just how it is.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Crowley stated quietly.

“That’s not how love works. People love you or they don’t; deserved or not.”

“Thank you,” Crowley answered honestly.

“You don’t thank people for loving you. You just accept it.”

“It’s just… new.”

“I know and I’m sorry for that.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“You should have known love before now. I shouldn’t be the first person to love you.”

Crowley bit his lower lip. “If… if I do this wrong… I don’t mean to.”

“There’s no wrong way to love.”

“Thank you.”

“Shh,” Sam whispered reaching for the buttons on Crowley’s shirt.

Crowley stared entranced as Sam unbuttoned the shirt. As Sam shoved the shirt off of his shoulders Crowley sobered. “No,” he said grabbing Sam’s hands.

“No what,” Sam asked nuzzling his neck.

Taking a deep breath Crowley steeled himself. “I won’t push you,” he told Sam.

“You’re not. I just need to see you again.”

“Again?”

“The last time I saw you without a shirt was when you were taking a shower. I want you topless again. Please?” 

“I’m… this vessel…”

“Shh,” Sam whispered. “You’re perfect to me.”

“I could pick anyone you think is good looking.”

“It’s not looks.” Sam stopped nuzzling him and stared into his eyes. “You really don’t get it?”

Crowley shook his head.

“I love _you_ , not your vessel.”

Crowley almost couldn’t speak. “I’m not worth it,” Crowley protested weakly.

“You are if I say you are,” Sam argued.

There was nothing he could say to that. Sam was right. He had learned the hard way not to deny Sam whatever he wanted. In the end it only hurt Sam and him both. Reluctantly he released Sam’s hands and allowed Sam to shove the shirt down his arms.

“Then can you take off your shirt,” Crowley asked.

Sam reached down and grabbed the hem of his shirt. As he pulled it up and over his head Crowley watched the play of muscles. Beautiful, he thought. As Sam threw the shirt across the room Crowley met his eyes.

“Beautiful,” he whispered.

“Yes, you are.”

“Me?”

“Yes.” Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and nuzzled into his neck again.

“Need you,” Crowley whispered.

“We have a deal Crowley. No sex without talking.”

“I can’t.”

“Then no sex, but we can cuddle.”

“Cuddling?”

“Yep.” Picking him up Sam carried him to the bed.

*-*-*-*

He really really _really_ liked cuddling he decided. Crowley smiled and snuggled against Sam. Yep, cuddling was definitely amazing. How had he never cuddled before, he wondered.

“You have to go back soon,” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” Crowley whispered sadly.

“Miss you,” Sam said placing a kiss against Crowley’s neck.

“I’ll miss you too.”

“Call me?”

“Of course.”

“Mmm,” Sam murmured.

“I really have to go Sam.”

“I know,” Sam said holding on more tightly.

He smiled. Yes, Crowley decided, cuddling was nice.

“You have to let go Sam.”

“Nope,” Sam disagreed.

Shaking his head Crowley blinked out of Sam’s arms.

“No fair,” Sam stated crossing his arms over his chest.

Crowley smiled. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Crowley assured him sitting in the chair. Grabbing his shoes he loosened the laces. After he had his shoes on he inspected the room trying to find his shirt. He finally spotted it lying on the floor near the door. Snapping his fingers he willed the shirt into his hands. Slipping it on he remembered Sam shoving the shirt down his shoulders. Definitely not getting rid of this shirt ever, he thought.

After he had the shirt buttoned he put his jacket on and looked back to Sam. With his hair mussed and no shirt it was an amazing sight. Committing the image to memory Crowley buttoned his jacket. Making his way over to the bed he leaned down and kissed Sam again.

“Want me to walk to the door with you?”

“I’ll blink there. I want to remember you just like this.”

“I have to relock the door behind you,” Sam reminded him.

Crowley sighed. Reaching down he touched Sam’s shoulder and blinked them both to the front door. Sam looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Really?”

Crowley shrugged.

“Damn it Sam! Pants,” Dean yelled as he walked into the foyer.

“He has on boxers,” Crowley argued.

“Doesn’t matter, and you stay out of this,” Dean shot back.

“See you soon,” Sam asked.

“As soon as I can get time,” Crowley assured him.

Opening the door he stepped out and turned back to look at Sam once more.

“I love you,” Crowley whispered.

“Love you too.”

Crowley walked away from the bunker and blinked back to hell.

*-*-*-*

“Really though,” Dean stated. “Pants.”

“He blinked us down here. I didn’t get a say in the matter Dean.”

“Next time say something sooner.” Dean paused. “How is everything though?”

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “Good. I think.”

“You think?”

“I don’t know. He’s… Crowley.”

Dean shook his head. Trust Sam to fall in love with the King of Hell. “How’s he doing,” Dean asked.

“Honestly? I’m not sure. He doesn’t understand love.”

“Yes he does.”

Sam raised an eyebrow and Dean shook his head.

“He loves you. It’s not that he doesn’t understand it, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to react.”

“True,” Sam mused.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. If… If I don’t say it enough…”

“I know. Love you too Sammy.”

“Cass?”

“He’s,” Dean trailed off. “He’s good.”

“What happened in the warehouse?”

“You sure you want to know?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Crowley’s mom was a witch.”

Sam frowned at that information. “What do you mean was?”

“Cain killed her.”

“Cain was there?”

“Oh yeah.”

Sam paused. “Did…”

Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Did he hurt Crowley?”

Dean shook his head. “He told him what he told you. ‘As much as you need him, he needs you.’”

“What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know but Crowley seemed to understand it. His mom cast a spell on you and he found something in that phrase that helped him help you.”

“What kind of spell?”

“Don’t know.”

“Don’t know or don’t want to say?”

“Don’t know.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Crowley’s past.”

“What about it?”

“It was… bad.”

“Figures.”

“I don’t know if I can help him.”

“You already are Sammy.”

“You think so?”

“Yes.”

*-*-*-*

“Sire?”

“Yes?”

“There’s a faction of demons that might splinter off to overthrow you.”

“Names?”

The demon handed over a parchment.

“Thank you.”

The demon stared confused. Damn it. You don’t thank demons, Crowley cursed himself.

“Carry on,” he ordered.

The demon bowed and left.

He had to be careful about that. If he slipped up too much it would only endanger himself and, by proxy, Sam.

Crowley skimmed the list of demons. Most of the names he already had on his ‘watch list’, the rest he committed to memory.

*-*-*-*-*

“Yeah,” Sam said answering his cell.

“Case I need help on if you and Dean aren’t busy.”

Jack, Sam noted. Another hunter.

“What kind of help?”

“Vamps. Nothing special just too many for one person.”

“Got it. I have to check with Dean but I think we’re good.”

“Expecting you then. East Fork, Arizona,” Jack said cutting the call.

Sam shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. At least this would keep him occupied and hopefully keep his mind off of Crowley for a while.

*-*-*-*

Headlights from passing cars slid across his vision. Just another job, Sam told himself. Sadly he couldn’t make it stick. It was nothing more than a distraction and he knew it. No matter what he was distracted by thoughts of Crowley. Had Crowley really never been loved? Really?

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Just checking. You seem distracted.”

Sam sighed. “It’s Crowley.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I’m not sure how much I can share.”

“So start basic.”

“He sold his soul because his mother forced him to for knowledge and so she wouldn’t age ever.”

“Figures. Wondered how she was still alive and kicking.”

“She damned her own son to hell, Dean.”

“Sounds like the woman I met.”

“How could a mother ever do that?”

“A mother couldn’t. That woman was no mother Sammy.”

“If you knew even half the things she did to him…”

“Can you share any of it?”

“No.”

“Then don’t go there.”

“He never had anyone ever love him before. How is that even possible?”

“Our family’s fucked up but at least we are a family. Crowley never had that. He learned early you couldn’t depend on anyone but yourself.”

“I don’t know how to help him.”

“Just be there for him.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough.”

“It’s all you can do Sam.”

“Are you okay with this?”

“With you dating the King of Hell? Not really, but I accept it’s what you want.”

“I love him Dean.”

“I know.”

“Can you accept him?”

“I’m trying Sam, it’s just hard to trust him after everything he’s done.”

“That was before.”

“Before what? You two dating, the blood, the connection thing?”

“Yes, before those things. He’s different.”

“I’m trying Sam, don’t push this.”

“I just want you two to be okay with each other.”

“I can’t promise anything yet but I’m trying Sam.”

“I know. Thank you for that.”

“That’s what family does.”

“Not Crowley’s,” Sam said quietly.

“Enough Sam, I get it. His life was fucked up. Stop bringing it up if you can’t share any of it.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just stop bringing up things I can’t fix.”

*-*-*-*

Limping to the car Dean opened the door and slid behind the wheel. Turning his head he inspected his brother. Sam was sitting in the passenger seat with his head leaned back over the head rest. One of the vamps had thrown him into a wall and Sam had hit hard. Dean still wasn’t sure he shouldn’t take Sam to the hospital.

“We leaving now,” Sam asked cracking an eye open.

“How you feeling over there,” Dean asked.

“Told you, I’m fine.”

“Sure we don’t need to take a trip to the hospital?”

“Yes Dean. I’ll be fine. I just want to get moving.”

Rolling his eyes Dean shoved the keys into the ignition and started the Impala. As he pressed the gas his ankle yelled at him. He dropped his guard after watching Sam hit the wall and fall unmoving. Before he could get to Sam a vamp tackled him from behind twisting his ankle on the way down. This was going to be a long sixteen hours.

“Want me to drive?”

“Not a chance. Our luck you’ve got a concussion and would probably black out and crash Baby.”

*-*-*-*

“I should gut you on the spot.”

He heard the voice before he felt the presence of the angel. Spinning around he took a step back and dropped to defend himself in case this went badly. Dealing with angels was dangerous. The angel didn’t move.

“Give me a reason not to kill you _demon_ ,” the angel spat.

“I can give you the Winchesters.”

“How would a demon like you be able to do that.”

“Crowley,” he said simply.

“Your king?”

“Not my king.”

“What does he have to do with either Winchester?”

“My information tells me he’s gone weak since they kidnapped him. The rumor is he started having ‘feelings’ for the younger one.”

“You expect me to believe a Winchester would care for a demon?”

“Yes, at least the younger one. He has a history of it.”

“What is it you want from this?”

“Kill Crowley when you’re done with him.”

“You wish to be king of the demons?”

“No, but he no longer deserves the throne. He’s too soft.”

“You hate him that much?”

“He’s the one I sold my soul to. It’s his fault I’m a demon.”

The angel shook his head. “You signed the contract.”

“To spend time in hell, not to become a demon. You have no idea what’s it’s like to become a demon. Crowley has to die.”

“How do you propose we do this?”

“I can give you Crowley. With him you can lure out the Winchesters. At the very least the younger one. The older one will follow to keep his brother safe. Kill Crowley and do whatever you like with the brothers. We both win.”

*-*-*-*

Finally slamming the car door shut was almost a relief. Sixteen hours of driving with a screwed up ankle and trying to make sure Sam stayed awake. All he had to do now was make it into the bunker and he could finally rest his ankle. Sam made his way to the bunker and Dean limped after his brother. When they finally made it inside Dean slammed the door behind them.

Walking across the foyer he stared at the staircase. This was going to be a long climb. One foot at a time he reminded himself. With a sigh he finally started up the stairs. When he finally made it to the top he looked up and took a second to be grateful that his room was only one door away. Shoving the door open Dean entered the room and shut the door. Limping his way to the bed he flopped down face first.

He really should stay up and keep an eye on Sam for a few more hours. Really though, if Sam hadn’t keeled over on him after sixteen hours they were probably safe. Maybe he could risk a short nap. Reaching up he grabbed his pillow and shoved his arms underneath. Yeah, one small nap and then he’d check on Sam.

*-*-*-*

Dean was awake and on his feet before he understood why. Suddenly Sam yelling cut through the silence. Ignoring his ankle Dean raced down the hall to his brother’s room and threw the door open. A quick sweep of the room failed to turn up any intruders. Rushing to the bed he checked Sam. Sam was making pained noises and rolling from side to side with his hands clutching his head. Dean reached out to move Sam’s hands away from his face.

“Come on Sam, let me see.”

Sam didn’t seem to hear him. Gripping Sam’s hands Dean pried them away from his head and checked for any injuries. Not finding anything Dean released Sam’s hands and gripped his shoulders. 

“Come on Sam, talk to me. I need to know what’s going on.”

“Hurts,” Sam whimpered.

“That does it, we’re going to the hospital.”

Sam shook his head and grabbed Dean’s arm.

“I’m not chancing it Sam. We need to know what’s wrong with you.”

“Not me,” Sam gritted.

“What do you mean? Sam? Damn it Sam answer me!”

“Crowley,” Sam finally managed.

“Crowley’s doing this?”

Sam shook his head again.

Crowley’s words came crashing back. _“I think we’re connected… Sometimes I get these inexplicable feelings. Like before we got to the warehouse I felt a sharp pain in my mind. The feeling was very familiar to me. It’s the exact same feeling as if an angel were prying into a demon’s mind without caring if they hurt them.”_

Damn it. If this was something happening to Crowley there was nothing he could do to fix this. Grabbing Sam Dean carried him downstairs and dropped him on the couch. Kneeling down he did the only thing he could think of that might help. He prayed to Cass.

*-*-*-*

“This can stop any time you want. All you have to do is contact the Winchesters.”

Crowley looked up, glared at the angel for a moment and then spat at him.

“Perhaps the demon was right. Maybe you really have developed feelings for one of them.”

Demon. So he had been betrayed by one of his own. He should have expected this really. He hadn’t been paying near enough attention to his subjects. Of course they’d turn on him if they thought they could get away with it. Didn’t matter. He would not let these angels anywhere near the brothers.

“Then call just the one brother. Whichever you do not have feelings for,” the angel demanded.

“Fuck you,” Crowley ground out through the pain. He jerked as another wave of Grace shot through him.

“Who are you really protecting? A Winchester? Someone who would just as soon kill you as look at you? Do you really believe you deserve to be loved?”

Straightening Crowley lifted his chin and stared directly into the angel’s eyes. “Yes,” he said defiantly. “I deserve to be loved.”

“A weak pathetic demon like you? What makes you think you deserved love. What did you ever do that would make anyone love you?”

“You don’t earn love. Someone either loves you or they don’t. That’s just how love is,” Crowley stated. If he could do nothing else to protect Sam he would refuse to give in to this angel. In his mind he could hear Sam’s voice. _Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself._ He would die before he ever did anything that would hurt Sam. The angel released another wave of Grace into him and Crowley braced for the pain.

*-*-*-*

“Can you help him?”

Castiel shook his head. “I don’t understand how they’re connected.”

“Do something Cass. Anything.”

Looking back to Sam Castiel tried to think of something that might help. Placing a hand on Sam’s chest Castiel released a fine thread of Grace into Sam. “Sam,” Castiel whispered. “Think of Crowley.”

Sam tried to toss but Castiel held him still.

“Think of Crowley Sam,” Castiel ordered.

“Hurts,” Sam muttered.

“I know. He’s hurting and he needs you. Think of him Sam. Think about how much he needs you right now. Find Crowley Sam.”

Almost as soon as the words left his mouth the world around them began to shimmer. Castiel tried to understand what was happening. Before he could make sense of anything the bunker shimmered out of existence. Suddenly he found himself kneeling over Sam in a field outdoors. About twenty feet in front of him was a dilapidated barn covered in ancient Enochian symbols. Sam moaned and Cass dropped his eyes back to the younger Winchester.

“Sam?”

“Crowley,” Sam muttered.

Unable to take Sam with him to inspect the barn and unwilling to leave him alone Castiel blinked back to the bunker. He pounded on the door until Dean opened it.

“What the hell was that? Where’s Sam?”

Without answering Dean’s questions he gripped Dean’s shoulder and blinked them back to Sam. Dean dropped to the ground and inspected his brother. “Stay with him,” Castiel ordered.

*-*-*-*

Breathing heavily Crowley glared at the angel.

“How are you defying me,” the angel demanded.

Crowley had discovered whenever he kept Sam foremost in his thoughts the angel had a hard time hurting him. At least with his Grace. Stab wounds from the angel blade and burns from holy water littered his body. Crowley fought not to show any of the pain he felt.

“Answer me,” the angel demanded as he twisted the angel blade in Crowley’s leg.

The doors shattered and light streamed into the barn. Wincing against the sudden brightness Crowley squinted trying to find out what was happening. Through the debris he saw a figure striding forward. As everything began to settle the figure became more clear. Castiel?

Flinging one hand out Castiel tossed the angel into one of the walls.

“Two angels,” Crowley yelled.

Porting from where he stood to the other angel Castiel stabbed him through the heart with an angel blade. The second angel ported just behind Castiel. Turning Castiel reached out and placed his hand on the angel’s forehead. Crowley squeezed his eyes shut just in time.

When the light faded Crowley cautiously cracked one eye open. The two angels lay dead at Castiel’s feet. Reaching down Castiel grabbed his angel blade out of the other angel’s chest. Turning around Castiel inspected him. Crowley waited for Cass to decide on whatever was going through his mind.

Striding forward Cass reached out and placed his hand against Crowley’s forehead. 

“No,” Crowley yelled. “At least let me see Sam first! _Please!_ ”

Glaring at Castiel Crowley frowned when the angel finally removed his hand. He wasn’t dead and nothing hurt anymore. Crowley looked down and inspected himself. The injuries were healed.

“Can you walk,” Castiel asked.

Crowley nodded too stunned to speak.

“Then follow me,” Castiel ordered.

Crowley followed Castiel out of the barn. Several feet in front in them he saw Dean kneeling on the ground with a gun drawn. As they neared the older Winchester Crowley noted a form lying near Dean.

“No,” Crowley whispered. Terrified Crowley blinked to Dean. Sam lay on the ground curled in a ball. Dropping to the ground Crowley lifted Sam and wrapped his arms around him.

“What happened,” Crowley asked quickly.

“Sometime last night he started holding his head and complaining about how much it hurt. If this has something to do with you-”

Gathering Sam in his arms Crowley blinked them back to the bunker. Dean could be angry later. Crowley had to take care of Sam right now.


	4. Wherever You Will Go

Castiel and Dean ported to the bunker almost as soon as Crowley arrived with Sam. Impatiently Crowley waited for Dean to open the door. As soon as it was open Crowley stepped into the bunker and ported to Sam’s room. Carefully he laid Sam down on the bed. As the door to Sam’s bedroom slammed open Crowley glared at the new arrival. Did Dean really have to be so loud?

“Damn it Crowley! I swear to God-”

“Shh,” Crowley hissed at Dean.

“How is he,” Dean asked lowering his voice.

“Fine, but he’ll be better with sleep so stop yelling.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Technically nothing.”

“Technically?”

“I’m just barely beginning to understand the connection Dean. I can’t possibly explain it to anyone yet. Just let me take care of him right now. I’ll tell you everything I know later.”

“Tell me he’ll be alright,” Dean ordered grabbing Crowley’s wrist.

Crowley jerked his wrist out of Dean’s grip. “He should be fine. I’m fairly certain this is mostly exhaustion.”

Dean nodded and pulled the chair closer. Crowley frowned. The last thing he wanted was anyone else in the room right now. Whenever he was injured he didn’t want anyone else around him. Having someone else around when you weren’t fully able to defend yourself was dangerous. That same protective instinct extended to Sam as well. Crowley took a deep, steadying breath. This was Dean. If there was anyone more protective of Sam than Crowley, it was Dean.

Crowley placed his hand back on Sam’s chest. Slowly he released a trickle of his power into him. The tension in Sam seemed to ease slightly. Crowley let out a sigh of relief. Keeping his right hand on Sam’s chest he used his left to run his fingers through Sam’s hair.

“You’re safe Sam. We’re home now.”

“Crowley,” Sam whispered sleepily.

“Shh, I’m here. We’re both safe now. Sleep Sam.”

“‘M sleeping,” Sam muttered.

“No you’re not Sam. Close your mind now and really sleep. We’re safe.”

“Hurt.”

“Not any more, I’m fine now. Sleep Moose,” Crowley ordered softly.

Sam nodded and snuggled around Crowley mumbling something quietly.

“Shh, we’re safe. Sleep now, I’ll be here the whole time.”

Releasing just a touch more of his energy into Sam Crowley waited. Sam threw an arm over him and finally stilled. As Sam’s breathing slowed Crowley withdrew his power but continued to brush his fingers through Sam’s hair softly. Finally he looked back over to Dean.

“I love him,” Crowley whispered.

“I know,” Dean answered.

“I will never hurt him on purpose.”

Dean sighed. “I want to believe you Crowley, I really do.”

“With our past I understand the doubts.”

“I’ve spent my whole life protecting Sam.”

“I know. Protecting him from monsters like me.”

“I don’t know if I can trust you Crowley.”

“Fair enough but can we keep that between us? For Sam’s sake?”

“I’m not keeping that from him. We discussed this earlier, he knows how I feel.”

Crowley nodded.

“I meant it when I said I’d kill you if you hurt him,” Dean reminded him.

Crowley glanced to Sam before looking back to Dean.

“Good,” he replied honestly.

If his demonic nature ever overshadowed their bond at least he could count on Dean to take him out as soon as possible. It made him feel better knowing someone else was watching out for Sam. It felt odd to be so happy about knowing someone would kill you without hesitation. Crowley lowered himself carefully until he was laying next to Sam and wrapped his arms around Sam.

“You owe me a talk Crowley.”

“Not right now,” Crowley countered. “After he wakes up Dean.”

“I figured as much. Is he okay now?”

“He’s sleeping now, if that’s what you mean.”

“What about before?”

“Before we were still connected. I don’t know quite how to explain it. I could still ‘feel’ him in my mind.”

“You’re not connected now?”

“Not… not that way anymore.”

“How long’s he going to sleep?”

Crowley hesitated. “I’m not sure. A couple of hours at least. I think using the connection wears him out. For now at least.”

Dean nodded and stood. Quietly he moved the chair back to the desk. Leaving the room Dean shut the door behind himself. Crowley turned back to Sam. He had been taking a big chance using demonic energy on Sam. Crowley tried to figure out if it was just the demonic energy that helped or if it was his energy specifically. There was absolutely no way to test it. He would never let another demon use their power on Sam.

*-*-*-*

Dean made his way to his room and opened the door. Cass was sitting at the desk staring blankly at the wall. Walking over Dean stood behind his angel and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You alright?”

“Yes.” Cass hesitated. “Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“I didn’t port us.”

Dean frowned. “What?”

“I didn’t port us to that barn.”

“Then who did?”

“Sam.”

“Sam can’t do things like that Cass, you know that.”

“Apparently he can now.”

“Not possible Cass.”

“I didn’t port us Dean. It had to be Sam.

“Not. Possible,” Dean insisted.

“I told him to find Crowley and he ported us straight to him,” Cass said turning to face Dean. “Through the bunker’s wards.”

“How?”

“I’m not sure. I can only assume it has something to do with his connection to Crowley.”

“Is Sam going to start becoming… demonic?”

“I can’t say for certain, but I doubt it. I don’t think it’s likely that he’ll go demonic any more than it’s likely that Crowley will become human. It’s more like they’re just… _more_ when they’re together.”

“More what?”

“More than themselves; more than each other? Crowley gaining empathy? Sam being able to port? I think they’re energies became connected.”

“So what does this mean for Sam?”

“I’m not sure. I never even knew this was possible before now. I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to be apart too long. If they’re connected that deeply who knows what would happen if they don’t see each other often enough. On the other hand they could be fine. Maybe the connection doesn’t rely on proximity.” Cass shrugged.

“If you can’t port through the wards then how can Sam? Can Crowley? Can Sam port anywhere else or just to Crowley? Is Sam susceptible to things like holy water? Is-”

Cass held up a hand.

“I don’t know Dean. It would help to be able ask Crowley what he knows.”

“Can’t right now. He’s staying with Sam until he wakes up. He thinks Sam overexerted himself using the connection somehow.”

“Possible. Sam is human and humans weren’t built to handle angelic or demonic powers.”

“Do you think it’ll get better?”

“Probably. He may just need to practice.”

*-*-*-*

“Crowley,” Sam gasped. Turning he looked back over his shoulder.

“Shh, it’s me,” Crowley whispered running his fingers over Sam’s cheek.

Sam shoved Crowley’s arm off him. Sitting up he reached down and began to inspect the demon. Crowley grabbed Sam’s arms gently and stopped the inspection. 

“I’m fine Sam. Castiel healed me.”

“How bad,” Sam asked.

Sighing Crowley rested his hand against Sam’s cheek.

“You know how bad it was, you felt it too.”

“I was hoping that wasn’t real,” Sam whispered.

“I’ve had worse Sam. A little pain doesn’t mean much to a demon. I’m just sorry you had to feel it.”

“You’re not just any demon to me. You’re my demon.”

Crowley smiled. “And you’re my Moose.”

Sam reached down and placed an arm under Crowley. Flipping them Sam ended up on top staring down at Crowley. Leaning down slowly Sam kissed Crowley gently. 

“Always,” Sam assured him.

Crowley lay there staring up at Sam. How, he wondered. What had he ever done that had allowed him to have something like this? Sam was so perfect. “I love you,” Crowley whispered reverently.

“Love you too,” Sam answered, leaning down again. 

As their mouths met Crowley reached up and grabbed Sam’s shoulders. He tugged Sam down until their bodies were pressed together. Wrapping his arms around Sam Crowley lost himself in the kiss. Perfect, he thought. 

Crowley rolled them until he was on top never breaking the kiss. Reaching up he put one hand behind Sam’s head to hold him close. Reaching down with the other hand he grabbed the bottom of Sam’s shirt and tugged. 

“Need you,” he mumbled against Sam’s mouth. 

Sam rolled them again until he was on top and and pulled away. Crowley let out a small whine at the loss of contact. Reaching down Sam ran his fingers through Crowley’s hair. 

“We have a deal Crowley,” Sam said softly. “No talking, no… other stuff.”

Crowley winced at the reminder. Shaking his head he turned away. Sam laid back down against him and rested his head next to Crowley’s neck. Sam’s breath ghosted over the skin just under Crowley’s jaw.

“It’s fine Crowley. We don’t have to talk about it if you’re uncomfortable. Just for that one thing, okay?”

Crowley nodded and wrapped his arms around Sam. There weren’t words to express how grateful he was that Sam refused to press this issue so he didn’t say anything. Still holding on tightly to Sam Crowley finally fell into a fitful sleep. 

*-*-*-*

Crowley opened his eyes and found himself staring directly into Sam’s beautiful green eyes. Smiling Crowley stretched and finally settled still facing Sam. Sam placed a hand behind Crowley’s head and drew him forward. Tilting Crowley’s head slightly Sam kissed him on the forehead.

“Morning,” Sam said sleepily.

“Evening,” Crowley corrected. “How are you feeling?”

Sam shrugged. “I feel fine now.”

“I thought you might.”

“What happened?”

“My fault,” Crowley admitted. “I haven’t been paying enough attention to hell. Some of the demons thought it would be a good idea to try to overthrow me.”

“They’re trying to kill you?”

“There’s almost never a time when someone’s not trying to kill me. You get used to it,” Crowley shrugged.

“I don’t want to get used to it. I want you to be safe.”

“As long as I’m the king of hell that’s not going to happen.”

“Then let someone else be the king.”

“No.”

“I’m serious Crowley.”

“I’m serious too Sam. I worked too hard to get where I am. I’m not just abdicating my throne.”

“Why not?”

“You don’t understand. Stepping down from my position would only put an even bigger target on my back. I’m safer now as king then I would be if I stepped down.”

“If you stepped down they’d have no reason to target you.”

Crowley shook his head sadly. “If I stepped down whoever became the king next would make killing me their first action. As long as I was alive he would always consider me a threat.”

“How do we keep you safe?”

Crowley smiled. “I once asked Castiel how I could keep you safe. He told me, ‘You accept that you can’t. Accept it and do what you can to help him when he needs it. That’s all you can do.’”

“Abdicate and stay here,” Sam suggested.

“No, then they’d target you and Dean as well. I _will not_ endanger you.”

“Well we need to do something!”

“Stop hunting.”

Sam stared at him confused. “What?”

“I’m serious, stop hunting. Do something else, anything else. Leave the hunting to others.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Deadly serious.”

“I can’t. There’s already too few hunters.”

“Please?”

“I can’t Crowley. If I could I would but there’s already too few hunters. I have to keep hunting things for now.”

“There’s too few decent demons. I can’t abdicate my throne. I have to keep being the king for now.”

Sam opened his mouth to argue but closed it. 

“I wish I could just quit and stay here with you but I can’t.”

Sam nodded. “Understood.”

“Come on, let’s get you some food.”

“Food?”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“Yeah but how did you know?”

“Informed guess. Last time we connected you woke up hungry.”

“What do you mean connected?”

“When the angels abducted you I could feel what they were doing to you.”

Sam winced sympathetically. “It had to hurt you worse than it hurt me Sam. We do need to work on that though.”

“Work on what?”

“How to block things like that. I can only imagine what you had to be feeling when I was abducted.”

“It wasn’t the most pleasant thing I’ve ever felt,” Sam admitted.

Before Crowley could answer there was a soft knock on the door.

“It’s probably Dean. To be fair he did give us more time than I thought he would.”

“How long have I been out?”

“You were unconscious when I got to you. We’ve been back at the bunker for a little over five hours now.”

The bedroom door opened and Dean stuck his head inside.

“I thought you said you’d tell me when he woke up?”

“He just woke up,” Crowley argued. “I was making sure he was alright first.”

“I’m fine, just hungry,” Sam told them.

“Good, I just made burgers. Everyone to the kitchen.”

“Give us a second,” Sam stated sounding annoyed. “Crowley? Shoes?”

“Why would he need shoes? We’re just going downstairs.”

“Dean,” Sam warned trailing off.

“It’s fine Sam. I’m alright without them,” Crowley assured him.

“You sure?”

“Yes, thank you though.”

That Sam had remembered he didn’t like going anywhere without being fully dressed was heartwarming. Sam finally pulled the covers back and got out of the bed. Crowley smiled as he watched Sam stretch. He followed the brothers down to the kitchen. Castiel was seated in one of the chairs watching them as they entered. 

Sitting down at the table Crowley stared at the burger in front of him. Sam immediately began eating his burger but Crowley hesitated. Instead of eating the burger he picked at the chips on the plate. Looking up he spotted Dean watching him.

“Not eating,” Dean asked.

“I don’t need to eat. I was waiting to see if Sam wanted a second one.”

“I’ll be fine,” Sam told him. “You should eat it. Dean makes pretty good burgers.”

Crowley smiled. “I know. I had one the first time I was here.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”

“You’re sure you’ll be fine with just the one?”

“Yes. Eat Crowley,” Sam ordered.

Picking up the burger Crowley took a bite; it was every bit as good as he remembered. Everyone ate except for Castiel. Crowley didn’t question it as he ate his burger. No one spoke until they finished. Dean gathered the plates and put them in the sink before sitting back down at the table.

“You owe me information Crowley,” Dean reminded him.

“I know.” Crowley sighed heavily. “I’m not exactly sure how it works. Somehow we became connected. If he’s worried about me or having strong thoughts of me I can ‘feel’ him in my mind.”

“And he can port to you,” Castiel added.

Crowley frowned. “What?”

“When we found you in that barn I had no idea where you were. I told Sam to focus on you and find you. I figured if he could find you mentally then I might be able to port us there. Instead we showed up at the barn where you were before I knew what was happening. The only explanation is that Sam ported us there.”

Crowley turned to Sam.

“That’s not possible,” Sam argued.

“I didn’t port us there Sam,” Castiel stated.

“You had to have.”

“I can’t port through the bunker’s wards,” Castiel reminded them.

“But I can’t port.”

“I think you can now. I think it has something to do with your connection with Crowley.”

Sam looked to Crowley as if for an answer. Crowley bit his lip and shook his head softly. He still didn’t fully understand the connection himself. Reaching out he placed one of his hands on Sam’s hand. Sam closed his eyes and lowered his brows.

“Sam,” Crowley asked.

“Hang on. Concentrating.”

“Please don’t.”

“Don’t what,” Dean asked.

“Don’t try to use the connection. At least not this soon after the last time.”

“Why not,” Dean pressed.

“It seems to wear him out. I don’t want him to do it again so soon after the last time,” Crowley answered. “Please Sam?”

Sam opened his eyes and looked to Crowley. “I have to know if I can do this.”

“And I fully intend to work on this with you,” Crowley assured him. “I just don’t want to do it so soon after the last time. Please, for me, wait a little longer?”

Sam stared for a moment and finally nodded.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So what else does this mean,” Dean questioned.

“I don’t know,” Crowley answered. “I’ve never heard of anything like this happening before. We’ll have to experiment some to understand it better.”

“Not without me present,” Dean insisted.

“As long as Sam is comfortable with that,” Crowley replied not taking his eyes off of Sam.

Sam gave a small nod. “Tomorrow,” he asked.

“I won’t risk it any earlier.”

“So now that that’s settled,” Dean interjected. “What happened? I mean how did you get snatched in the first place?”

“I stupidly believed one of my subjects. Which, by the way, reminds me I have to repay him appropriately when I get back to hell.”

“When are you leaving,” Sam asked.

“I was hoping to leave briefly tonight and come back tomorrow. At this point I really do need to spend more time in hell.”

“Is that wise,” Dean asked.

“I have to go back soon. If they’re already getting this brazen I have to do something to remind them why it’s not a good idea to move against me.”

Sam nodded. “I still don’t like it,” he said quietly.

“I know.”

“Why angels though,” Dean asked. “I mean why not just take you out themselves?”

“The demon that wanted me dead didn’t have enough power. He’s a fairly new demon. He allied himself with the angels because he knew I cared for Sam. The angels want Castiel and knew the best way to get to him was through you two.”

“Metatron’s followers or another faction,” Castiel asked.

Crowley shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly there for a friendly chat. Eventually you’re going to have to do something about the angels though,” he stated with a meaningful look to Castiel.

“I’m not a leader,” Castiel protested.

“The other angels can’t stop bickering long enough to take action. Besides, according to the rumors you have more power than any other Seraph,” Crowley stated raising an eyebrow.

“That’s not the point. I am not a leader.”

“Pfft.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Whether or not you like it, you are a leader. We all have to do what we must no matter how much we don’t like it.”

“The other angels have no reason to follow me.”

Crowley shrugged. “They’ll follow you anyway, reason or no reason. Despite what you think you are a leader. You’re also welcome to the angels I have on my payroll.”

“What do you mean angels on your payroll?”

“You thought I wouldn’t take advantage of this conflict? I have more angels on my payroll now than ever before. I can guarantee you they’ll be infinitely more happy to assist you than continuing to follow my orders.”

“Crowley,” Castiel growled.

“What,” Crowley asked innocently.

Castiel shook his head.

“It’s part of who I am,” Crowley said with a shrug. 

*-*-*-*

Blinking directly to his rooms Crowley stared at the startled demon standing in front of him. Well that saves time, he thought. Pulling on his powers he slammed the demon into the wall and held him there. Walking forward Crowley eyed the demon for a few moments.

“You really thought I would be that easy to kill?”

Without relaxing his power there was no way the demon could answer him. It didn’t matter. Crowley wasn’t actually in the mood to hear anything Carl said. I should just kill him now, he thought. Before he realized it, the stolen angel blade was in his hand. Crowley stared at it briefly wondering where it had come from. Finally he put it away. No, a quick death was useless. He had to make an example of Carl.

“Hell has a contract with the Winchesters. If there’s one thing we demons do keep our word on, it’s contracts. You, Carl, are going to help me drive that lesson home.”

*-*-*-*

“Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really hate him?”

“Crowley?”

“Yeah.”

“Honestly? No, but that doesn’t mean I trust him either Sammy.”

“Why do you have to keep calling me that?”

“Because you hate it.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “I want you two to get along.”

“I know. It’s just going to take time Sam.”

“Cass?”

“Yeah,” Cass answered.

“What are we going to do about Metatron?”

“No idea.”

“We should research. Maybe we can find something in the books here,” Sam suggested.

“I’m going to go talk to some of the angel factions. When I get done with that I’ll be back,” Cass told them.

“I’ll work on fixing the warding so you can port directly into the bunker.”

“Thank you.”

*-*-*-*

Snapping his fingers Crowley conjured a drink on the table beside him. Without taking his eyes off of the demon in front of him Crowley reached for the drink and took a sip. Standing he walked forward he continued to eye his handiwork. Well, technically speaking it was the handiwork of other demons even if it had been his orders. Crowley waved the hand not holding the drink dismissively and the demons pulled the ice block away from Carl’s chest. Carl screamed in pain as skin peeled off with the ice. Crowley inspected the ice block.

“Hm, not as much as the last time. Try it again,” he ordered returning to his seat.

The other demons gave each other quick glances before rushing to carry out his orders. Usually Crowley reserved torture for gathering information. Any other time he would have just killed this demon and have done with it. He couldn’t take that chance right now. He needed to reassert his authority. Besides, if Carl had gotten his way Sam would probably be dead by now. That was unacceptable. 

Using his powers he tightened the ropes binding Carl to the block of ice behind him. That one would be peeled off next and then the one on the front again. As he watched the demons work he thought through other various tortures he could use.

*-*-*-*

After several hours Crowley finally made his way to his rooms. He intended to change suits and gather some books that might be helpful to the brothers and Castiel. Opening the door he entered and shut the door. Gathering the books together he made his way into his bedroom and froze. Someone was in his bed. Crowley pulled out the angel blade and willed the lights on. 

“Sam!”

Sam turned over and rubbed his eyes. The angel blade fell out of Crowley’s hand as he continued to stare.

“Hey.” Sam looked around. “Where are we?”

“My room,” Crowley told him walking forward. He grabbed Sam’s arm roughly and stared directly into Sam’s eyes. “In hell.”

“Hell?”

“Yes. You can’t be here,” Crowley said pulling Sam into a sitting position. “You have to leave. Now.”

“I don’t know how I got here. I fell asleep in my own bed waiting for you to come back.”

“We have to find out how to keep you from doing this. You can’t be here. If any demon found you…”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Crowley sighed and released Sam’s arm. “I know. I’m just worried that you’ll get hurt. When I returned the demon that betrayed me was in here. What do you think would have happened if you had shown up then?”

Sam winced. “He didn’t hurt you did he?”

“He didn’t get the chance. You have to expect an attack at all times in hell. He wasn’t prepared when I blinked here.”

“You live like this all the time down here?”

“Hell is not a vacation resort. The strong learn to defend themselves. The weak get weeded out.”

Just then there was a knock on his door. 

“Damn it, you have to leave.”

“I don’t know how to do it on purpose.”

“Damn damn damn. They’ll sense your humanity if I open the door. They may already feel it.”

Sam cocked his head and furrowed his brows questioningly.

“Demon thing,” Crowley replied distracted, desperately trying to come up with a plan.

“Will they know it’s me specifically or only that I’m not a demon?”

“What difference does that make?”

“Well you could keep them at the door and make up some story about how you’re busy torturing someone.”

The knock sounded again. 

“They wouldn’t buy it. I would never torture anyone here. No one else is allowed in here. Ever. Bollocks.” 

Crowley grabbed Sam’s arm and blinked them back to Sam’s room. It was the safest place he could think of on short notice. Blinking back to his own rooms in hell he rushed to the door.

*-*-*-*

Sam frowned and looked around. Did that really just happen? Turning he inspected his bed. If it had been a dream wouldn’t he still be in bed? Looking down he inspected his arm. He could still feel Crowley’s hand on his skin. Had he really just ported to hell? Walking over to the bed Sam sat down. He was sure he had gone to sleep in his own bed. He was equally sure none of what just happened had been a dream. 

Frowning Sam thought back trying to remember what he had been dreaming about before he had woken up to Crowley’s voice. Sam grimaced when he finally remembered. It had been another dream of Crowley’s childhood. As much as he was loathed to push Crowley to talk about it Sam desperately wanted confirmation that none of the dreams were true. Despite his wishes he had a sinking feeling they were all true.

This particular dream he’d already had before. Instead of making it easier to watch it made it infinitely more difficult knowing what was coming. He couldn’t ever interact with the dreams. He was always an onlooker forced to watch whatever was happening. In this case it was yet another round of Crowley’s mother torturing him for liking men as well as women. With that woman making Crowley’s life hell Sam could understand why Crowley might not want a relationship with a woman. 

The names his “mother” had called him, the injuries she had inflicted… Sam shuddered at the memory. Through everything Crowley had still loved the woman. Sam couldn’t understand how that was even possible. After everything she had done to him mentally, physically and even magically how could Crowley still lover her? Sam growled, angry that the one person above all others who was supposed to love Crowley had spent her whole life hurting him and then condemned him to hell for eternity. The same desire to protect Crowley that Sam had in the dream welled up yet again. 

The room shimmered slightly. Sam stared stunned and the room settled back to normal. Suddenly Sam could feel Crowley’s presence as if Crowley were here with him. Sam turned and inspected the room in case the demon had blinked in without him noticing. Not seeing Crowley anywhere Sam frowned. He could almost feel Crowley’s arms wrap around him.

“Crowley?”

No response.

Closing his eyes Sam concentrated on Crowley with his mind. _Crowley_ , Sam thought trying to send the thought to the demon. After a few seconds the feelings changed and Sam felt… comfort? Concentrating hard Sam pictured them lying together on the bed while he held Crowley tightly in his arms. He was concentrating on the image when Crowley blinked into the room. Rushing forward Crowley wrapped his arms around Sam and kissed him hard.

“Damn it Sam,” Crowley growled against Sam’s mouth. “You can’t do things like that when I’m working.” 

Grabbing Crowley’s shoulders Sam tugged until he held Crowley at arm’s length. Crowley let out a soft whine as they separated. “Can’t do what,” Sam asked breathless.

“Whatever you just did. You don’t know how good that felt.”

Crowley attempted to lean forward for another kiss but Sam held him back. Crowley let out another soft whine. “What did it feel like?”

“Good,” Crowley answered. “Can we kiss now?”

“No. More specific Crowley.”

“Very good,” Crowley answered questioningly as he finally stopped struggling against Sam’s hold.

“More specific,” Sam ordered.

Crowley sighed and pulled back out of Sam’s hold. Moving to the bed Crowley sat down next to Sam. Resting his head against Sam’s shoulder Crowley sighed again. Finally he mumbled something Sam couldn’t quite hear.

“What?”

“Safe,” Crowley repeated quietly. “It felt… safe. Like nothing could hurt me anymore.”

Sam reached out with his left arm and wrapped it around Crowley. Tilting sideways Sam rested his head against Crowley’s head. He smiled at the thought that his arms made Crowley feel safe. Good, Crowley deserved to feel safe.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’d like to share a little bit.”

Sam’s brow furrowed. “About what?”

“Me,” Crowley said quietly as he burrowed closer into Sam’s side.

“Crowley? Look at me please.”

“I can’t. Not if I’m going to share anything.”

Twisting slightly Sam pulled Crowley against his chest and wrapped both arms around him. “I just want to make sure you’re really ready for this,” he whispered.

“I will never be ready for this. Now is as good a time as any other.”

“You don’t have to do this Crowley.”

“I do,” Crowley insisted. “I need to know if your dreams are what really happened. I can’t take not knowing any more. I need to know.” 

“I could tell you what my dreams are and you could confirm or deny.”

Crowley shook his head. “That’s not the only reason. There’s that and...”

“And?”

“And for sex,” Crowley stated sounding guilty.

“I don’t want you to feel pushed Crowley.”

“I don’t Moose. Never with you.”

“You can stop any time you want. You know that right?”

Crowley nodded without speaking and Sam tightened his hold on Crowley.


	5. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm going to include a semi-graphic sex scene in a story. If it is not your thing do not read it. It's located at the end of the chapter. When you reach it if you do not wish to read it you will not have to scroll past to read anything else. You can simply skip to the next chapter. (when I finish writing it) Many thanks to my ghost writer friend who helped write the sex scene. I appreciate it greatly. The scene will be marked with a bold *-*-*-*xxXxx*-*-*-* at the beginning of it for anyone wishing to skip it.
> 
> As always, thank you to all my readers.

"She… uh, my mother," Crowley clarified clearing his throat. "Nothing was ever… quite good enough."

Crowley reached over and began playing with the hem of Sam's shirt. Picking at things, much like biting his lower lip, was something Crowley did whenever he was nervous. Sam nuzzled Crowley trying to help him feel more comfortable.

"I could never do anything right. I would gather the wrong ingredients for the spells, or they weren't fresh enough, or there was too little of them."

Crowley twisted the hem of Sam's shirt around his finger then untwisted it.

"The punishments were always… unpleasant."

Unpleasant my ass, Sam thought. Overly severe was more like it. Uncalled for was another way to put it.

"I… Sam?"

"Yeah, baby?”

"Mmm. I like that."

"When I say baby?"

Crowley hesitated. Finally he shrugged. Sam understood what it was Crowley couldn't say. Crowley had a difficult time asking for _anything_ no matter how small. He prided himself on being able to take care of himself without needing anything from anyone. The shrug was the closest Crowley could get to asking Sam to call him baby more often. Instead of making the determination himself, Sam offered the choice back to Crowley.

"I like calling you baby. I'd like to do it more often if you don't mind." Phrasing it that way put Crowley back in charge of the decision. 

"I think I’d like that."

"Good," Sam stated as he lightly placed a small kiss on the tip of Crowley's ear.

"Mmm, nice," Crowley murmured. 

"Mmm," Sam agreed.

For a while neither spoke. Sam remained quiet letting Crowley take his time. Finally Crowley broke the silence.

"I spilled one of her brews once."

Sam gave a soft questioning hum but didn't speak.

"Only once," Crowley said drawing his legs up and wrapping his arms around them.

Sam let his eyes close as he held the demon.

"She hexed me so I couldn't eat or drink anything for three days."

Sam shifted his hold and rocked them both back and forth slowly.

"Actually that's not accurate. I could eat and drink but it all felt like molten lead the second it entered my mouth. If I could ignore the pain I could manage a few sip of water here and there."

Sam pressed his lips together to keep from saying anything.

"But I learned to be more careful," Crowley stated quietly.

Sam clenched his jaw shut desperately trying to stay quiet for Crowley's sake.

"She didn't always use magic. Sometimes she would resort to more physically methods. Especially if she was busy with other things."

Sam continued rocking them slowly.

"When she found out I liked men as well she tried to... dissuade me from that. To be fair in those days it wasn't uncommon for people like that to be beaten to death. It could have been worse."

"How," Sam blurted out angrily.

Crowley shrugged. "I could have been killed for who I chose to sleep with in those days."

"Then you would never have had to become a demon."

"Exactly."

Sam frowned at that answer. "What do you mean?" 

"If I had never become a demon I would never have met you," Crowley said with a small smile.

Sam shook his head.

"I actually did try to change for a long time."

“You can’t help who you love Crowley.”

“I didn’t love any of them, Sam. I just slept with them because I wanted them.”

“You can’t help who you’re attracted to either.”

Crowley snuggled against Sam’s side. Sam used one hand to rub Crowley’s back as he continued to hold the demon. Bitch, Sam thought angrily at Crowley's mother.

“Is it wrong that I miss her?”

Yes, Sam’s mind answered instantly. He had to bite his tongue to keep from actually saying it aloud. “She was your mother,” Sam answered carefully. “I think all children want their mother to love them.”

“If my own mother couldn’t love me then how can you?”

“Just because she couldn’t love you doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love. It just means she was too blind to see your worth. That’s on her Crowley, not you.”

Crowley didn’t answer. Sam began rocking them both back and forth again trying to comfort the demon. Crowley never discussed anything personal, no matter how minor. This conversation had to be excruciatingly difficult for him. After a few minutes of rocking some of Crowley’s tension seemed to ease.

“Thank you,” Crowley whispered.

“For what?”

“For everything.” Crowley hesitated before speaking again. “I don’t know if I can talk about it anymore right now,” he said quietly.

“Then we won’t talk about it.” Reaching over with his right hand Sam cupped Crowley’s chin gently. Slowly he raised Crowley’s head until their eyes met. Leaning forward slightly he kissed Crowley softly. As he drew back he stared into Crowley’s eyes and ran his thumb over Crowley’s cheekbone a few times. Crowley's eyes slid closed as he tilted his face into the caress.

“Sam?”

“Hm?”

“Can…” Crowley trailed off and tensed up once more.

“Tell me what you need baby,” Sam whispered nuzzling against Crowley’s neck.

“Can we… cuddle,” Crowley asked hesitantly.

“Of course. We have to move though.”

Crowley nodded but didn’t stir.

“Crowley?”

“I can’t let go of you just yet,” he whispered.

“Then don’t,” Sam told him. “I’ll move us. You just hang on to me, okay?”

Crowley nodded and burrowed against Sam’s chest. Sam wrapped one arm around Crowley and put the other behind himself. Carefully he eased them backward until they were stretched out on the bed. Crowley instantly curled around Sam, burying his head into Sam’s side and clinging to his shirt. Damn that woman, Sam thought angrily.

*-*-*-*

Castiel fought the urge to roll his eyes at the angel in front of him. Dean must be rubbing off on me, he thought. Instead of rolling his eyes he continued to watch the angel sitting in front of him. He ignored the other angels in the room. None of the others mattered. Sariel was the leader of this faction. Whatever he decided the others would follow him.

“You don’t have any other angels following you. Why should we join with you?”

“I do have other angels at my disposal, I just do not feel the need to flaunt how many,” Castiel informed Sariel. Castiel waited as Sariel considered the proposal. Misleading other angels was a difficult path to tread. Hopefully Crowley would keep his end of the bargain.

“And you’re not seeking to rule heaven?”

“No one can ‘rule’ heaven but God.”

Sariel waved off Castiel’s words.

“I’m well aware of your unwavering faith that He will return. I just do not share your view.”

“Then we disagree. That’s not what this discussion is about, though. Will you or will you not join with me?”

“Is it true that you have the Grace of three angels?”

Castiel tapped into his Grace letting it seep out and build around him slowly. His eyes never left Sariel’s eyes. For a minute neither moved.

“Enough.”

Castiel held his Grace at the ready, neither dispersing it nor drawing on any more.

“If you do not wish to rule heaven then I assume you have an angel in mind to oversee things?”

“I might,” Castiel hedged.

“Would you care to share who?”

“No.” Honestly he had several angels in mind to oversee heaven as a committee instead of one single angel taking charge over everything.

“I thought not. Fine, Castiel. Our faction will join with yours.”

“You’re word that you and your faction will follow my orders?”

“My word,” Sariel answered.

“Acknowledged. I will be in touch.”

Sariel gave a nod and Castiel ported back to the bunker. 

*-*-*-*

He was pleased to discover that he could finally port directly into the bunker. Sam must have fixed the wards. Castiel focused on Dean and ported straight to him. Surprisingly he found him in the library researching things with Sam and Crowley. Hating anything to do with research Dean usually used any excuse to pawn it all off on Sam. 

“Welcome back. I see the alterations I made to the wards worked,” Sam noted.

“It would seems so,” Castiel stated.

Dean rose and walked across the room. With only a brief hesitation he wrapped his arms around Castiel and hugged him. Castiel could forgive the hesitation. Up until recently they hadn’t told anyone about their relationship. It was going to take a while to get used to being able to show affection in front of Crowley and Sam. At least for Dean. Castiel didn’t care who knew they were together. Dean stepped back but kept his arms loosely around Castiel.

“How did it go,” Dean asked.

“Better than expected. Two factions were more than happy to join. Another one joined begrudgingly but I’m not sure how loyal they’ll be. One out right refused. Crowley,” Castiel called out to the demon.

Crowley looked up from the book he was studying.

“Were you being serious about lending me the services of the angels on your payroll?”

“I said I would didn’t I?”

“Good, I think I’m going to need assistance convincing some of the factions to follow me.”

“Whenever you need them let me know.”

Castiel nodded before making his way back to the table with Dean.

*-*-*-*

Sam took another deep breath. Staring at the book in his hands he tried, unsuccessfully, to focus. They had been hitting the books hard lately, but he hadn't been able to concentrate. A certain demon had been distracting him. Sam glanced over to the demon in question. 

What made the King of Hell care about him Sam didn't know. What he did know was that something had to give somewhere. He had never been with another man before; had never thought about it seriously before. At least not before Crowley. Sam snuck another glance at the demon. Crowley was pouring over a book with his tongue sticking out slightly, the tip pressed lightly against his top lip. Sam sighed in frustration. No work was getting done. At least not on his end.

Sam took another deep and ragged breath. It had been like fire meeting water. They both wanted this, but they were both scared. Crowley never knew what love was, he just thought it was sex, whereas for Sam, it was his first time falling for a man. And damn he had fallen hard.

Out of the corner of his eye Sam saw movement, which reminded him that they weren't alone. He was grateful that Dean and Cass had accepted the relationship even if they were still wary, Dean more so than Cass. He knew that they were only looking out for him but he really did love Crowley. There was still this... block in their relationship. It was like all of their fears were a brick wall between them.

Crowley shifting his position finally broke Sam's resistance. Closing the book, he dropped it onto the table. It landed with a loud bang, catching everyone's attention. Sam walked over to where the startled King of Hell sat. Reaching down, he grabbed Crowley's hand and, with a small tug, forced the demon stand up.

*-*-*-*

Crowley eyed his Moose. Sam had never been so rough with a book before, nor with him. At first, Crowley thought that Sam was going to kiss him, but that wasn't his style. Especially not with Squirrel and the angel in the same room as them. Sam was more private than that. So what was going on? 

When Crowley went to ask Sam covered his lips with a finger. Without a word, Sam turn around and started to walk away. As Sam still had hold of his hand Crowley had no choice but to follow. Shocked, Crowley looked at Dean for answers only to have Dean shrug his shoulders. Turning back around Crowley followed Sam out of the room.

*-*-*-*

Dean and Castiel watched as the two men disappear up the stairs.

“What was that about?” Castiel asked tilting his head to see where they had gone.

“I guess, Sam, needed to talk to Crowley privately,” Dean replied as he went back to the book in his hand.

Castiel gave Dean a confused look. He didn't understand but since Dean wasn't looking at him, Castiel just returned to his own book. Later, he would ask Dean to explain it.

*-*-*-*

Sam dragged Crowley into his bedroom and shut the door behind them. Facing the door Sam placed his palms on the door and leaned against it. Crowley stood there, staring at Sam's back, confused. He waited for some sort of explanation desperately trying hard not to jump to any conclusions.

“We need to talk,” Sam mumbled.

“Uh, I'm sorry? Talk about what Moose?”

“Us! And...and where this thing between us is going,” Sam answered. Finally he turned around to face Crowley.

The way Sam was rubbing his hands together, Crowley knew that Sam was being dead serious. They had been in this relationship for a while now and they had tried to talked about it. But talking about sex with Sam was... hard, no pun intended. Not to mention talking about things was more of a human thing and he was still trying to understand what being a human meant. At least, what it meant for him. Crowley also knew that their views on love were vastly different. He had only ever known love as a physical thing. Sam, in Crowley's mind, still believed in the fairy tale kind of love.

“Okay, talk,” Crowley said as he made himself comfortable on the bed. 

***-*-*-*xxXxx*-*-*-***

Letting out a deep sigh Sam stared at Crowley. He winced slightly when his fingernails dug deeply into his palm. Flexing his fingers Sam took a deep breath. Crowley had never made this relationship easy. It was one of the many reasons he loved the demon. Right now, Crowley's argument that love was a physical attraction and not an emotional one was starting to win him over.

In the past, he no trouble jumping into bed with the woman he loved. So why wasn't it the same with Crowley? Was it that he was so in love he was too afraid he wouldn't be good enough? For all intents and purposes he was still a virgin when it came to this type of sex. Well, tonight he was going to go through with this fear or no fear. He couldn't take this hanging over them any longer. Walking over to the King of Hell, all Sam wanted to do was to rip the suit off of him. Instead, he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Crowley, you know I love you, right?”

“Of course," Crowley replied instantly. "And I love you too, Moose,” Crowley added hesitantly. 

Sam smiled at the sound of his nickname. 

“What do you want to talk about?” 

This time Crowley's voice was so quiet Sam nearly missed it.

“I want you,” Sam told him. He looked deep into Crowley's eyes. “But I'm scared." Shaking his head, Sam turned away and looked at the floor. “I'm a virgin when it comes to this type of sex. I keep thinking maybe I won't be... good enough. I've never done this. You... You've been with...”

*-*-*-*

“Whoah there, Mooosymoo. Yes, I've been with men before. I've even taken their virginity without their consent before. But with you? I don't know, it's different. I don't understand why but it is.” Crowley moved from his position and sat beside Sam. He placed one hand on the taller man's shoulder and the other on his knee. “I love you.”

“Do you even want me that way?” 

Sam's voice was so quiet and full of fear Crowley frowned.

“You mean as in sex? Yes, of course. I would love to make love to you, but I'm letting you decide when and how we do it.”

“Now,” Sam insisted staring Crowley square in the eyes.

“If that is what you want, of course,” Crowley answered as his eyes widened. He tilted his head slightly and looked down. Moments later, Sam still hadn't spoken. Crowley looked back at Sam and added, “Are you really sure about this?”

“We both need to want it, Crowley. Don't you get it? I love you with all my heart and I'm willing to give you my soul for eternity.” The look in Sam's eyes caused a dull ache in Crowley's semi-frozen heart. Crowley took a deep breath before lifting his hand off Sam's shoulder. He cupped Sam's chin in his hand and pulled the younger Winchester into a tender kiss. When they broke apart, Crowley added, “I love you Moose and I would love to make love to you.”

Sam gave a small smile, but it quickly wavered as Crowley continued.

“On one condition. You take control.”

“What? I... I don't know...”

“I mean we do what you want, how you want, when you want to do it. I'll be your servant in this. Your sex toy, if that makes it more clear. And if there is something you want to do but don't know how to do, ask me and I will show you. I will teach you what I know about this just as you are teaching me how to love again.”

“You mean that, don't you?” Sam's brow wrinkled into frown.

“Yes, I do. So what do we do now? Go back to the others and let you think about what I've said or-”

Crowley's words were cut off as Sam pulled him into a deep and powerful kiss. Crowley followed suit kissing Sam back. When he had said Sam would be in control he meant it. He just hadn't expected for Sam to take control right now, let alone for it to be this damn good. As Sam's kisses started to wander down his neck Crowley let out a shaky breath. Damn his Moose knew just how to use that tongue of his. Closing his eyes, Crowley leaned back on his arms and let Sam take him to feelings he had never known before.

A sound of disappointment left his lips as soon as Sam stopped and sat up. When Crowley opened his eyes, he found a smiling Sam staring at him. The look in Sam's eyes reminded him of a lion that had just found its next victim and Crowley shivered.

“Is everything...” Crowley looked away as he searched for the right word before looking back at Sam when he couldn't find one. “Have I done something wrong?”

“Never,” Sam breathed. “You said that I was in control and could do anything I wanted?”

“Anything you want, my love."

“Good. Stand up,” Sam commanded. 

Crowley nodded and did as he was told. 

“Undress for me. Now."

Smirking, Crowley slowly removed his suit. He made sure that Sam's eyes followed his hands as he revealed his body to him. Crowley watched as Sam bit down on his bottom lip in a nervous manor. It was actually really cute. Crowley felt something creeping up from his stomach, and settling in his heart. This must be what Sam meant about how love felt. He also had this funny feeling, almost like butterflies, in his stomach. He wanted this more than he had ever wanted anything before. Still, he knew no matter how far they got and how much he wanted this, if Sam said to stop he would stop.

Finally Crowley stood there naked. He was beginning to feel self-conscious under Sam's gaze. He knew he didn't have the best looking body. Maybe Sam was didn't like it. Maybe he was having second thoughts. He should have found someone better looking to possess. When Sam stood up and walked over to him, Crowley backed away slightly. He wasn't able to back too far away before Sam's arms were quickly wrapped around him and Sam's lips pressed hard against his.

When they broke apart, Crowley stuttered, “I... you... uh... Like what you see,” he asked nervously.

“Hmm,” Sam hummed agreeably against Crowley's neck. 

“Glad you like it, so... What now?”

“Undress me,” Sam whispered in his ear, sending a shiver down Crowley's back.

“Yes, sir,” Crowley answered.

Crowley started with Sam's T-shirt. When it was off he made sure that his fingers ran over every muscle as his hands moved down Sam's body but stopped short at Sam's belt. Staring deep into Sam's green eyes, Crowley hesitated a little. What if, he wasn't good enough for Sam or too big or he hurt him? There were so many 'what ifs'.

“Crowley? Are you...”

"I'm scared," he admitted. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you or I won't be good enough or...”

“If you show me what to do, we'll be fine. Besides, you're a king, I should be questioning if I'm good enough for you," Sam said with a small smile. "This Crowley. This is what love is about. Worrying more for the other person then for yourself.”

Smiling, Crowley pushed himself up onto his toes and gave Sam a quick kiss, before he started to undo Sam's belt. The belt made a snapping noise as Crowley pulled it off, followed by a clicking and zipping sounds as Sam's button and zipper were undone. Soon his jeans, shoes and underwear were gone.

It was the first time he had seen Sam completely naked. Crowley stared in utter astonishment. Beautiful. He wanted to tell Sam but he couldn't get the words out of his mouth. Before he could process what was happening they were plastered together. Chest to chest, mouth to mouth, hands everywhere. Kissing all the way, the two made their way to the bed. Sam's hands wandered all over Crowley's squirming body underneath him. Rubbing himself against Sam's body Crowley felt Sam's need growing, and growing fast. 

“Crowley?"

"Hm?"

"I've seen movies but... what do we do now,” Sam asked nervously.

The confusion and doubt etched in Sam's eyebrows had Crowley wondering if they were doing the right thing. Had he pushed Sam into this? Should he really let Sam do this if Sam was this unsure?

“Moose,” Crowley said as he cupped Sam's chin. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you and I want to be with you. Why? Are you having doubts?”

“I ...” Crowley took a deep breath. 

*-*-*-*

Sam had learned a long time ago, even before they got together, when Crowley took a breath like that he was questioning himself and the decisions he was making. 

“I love you Sam but I still don't understand why me.”

“Then let me show you,” Sam replied. 

He gripped Crowley's hand on his chin and moved Crowley's hand to behind his neck, before pulling the demon into a tender kiss. The following kisses moved over Crowley's chin, neck and then down his chest. Thinking about what he had seen in the videos, Sam spent some time on each nipple. He remembered hearing once that you should do what you would like done to you. So he did things he knew he liked. The response from Crowley told Sam, he was doing something right.

“Moose,” Crowley gasped as Sam's tongue made its way down to a very hard and enlarged cock. Sam paused as he looked up at the demon. Crowley was looking back at him and breathing heavily. Sam noticed Crowley's eyes had turned from the normal brown of his vessel to dark blue. The color of Crowley's eyes now was the same blue Sam remembered from the dreams he'd had of Crowley's past. The same color as when Crowley had been human.

“Be... before you go too far, I have to say something."

“What? I'm... doing something wrong?” 

“No! Oh God, no!” 

Sam couldn't help but smile that he actually managed to make the demon say God's name. Bending forward he rewarded Crowley by kissing him on the head of his twitching cock.

“Sam, please...,” Crowley whined tilting his head back.

“Sorry.”

Crowley raised his head and looked back to Sam.

“With this being your first time, I... I want you inside me.”

“Are...are you... sure,” Sam asked tripping over the words. He was both excited and worried. Excited at the thought of making love to Crowley, but worried that he wouldn't be able to satisfy his lover since this was his first time. “I mean... what if I'm not good enough and disappoint you?”

“You won't! I'm...” Crowley paused as he took a deep swallow. “I'm sure of that. That's also why I'm going to try and talk you through it. So... so you know everything when... for when you leave me for someone else.”

Sam could hear the love in Crowley's voice but also the pain and the fear. Why couldn't he get it through to his demon that he loved him and he wasn't going anywhere? Maybe there was only one way. Sam moved back up and kissed Crowley hard on the lips. 

“Teach me," he ordered. "But teach me only how to please you,” Sam whispered in the now shivering demon's ear.

“As you command, my love. Take this.” With a twist of his wrist a tube of lubrication appeared in his hand. “I will tell you what to do when you are ready.”

Taking the lube Sam kissed him again and moved back down to Crowley's cock. He didn't waste any time. Licking his lips he slid them over the head. The deep moan that left Crowley's lips told Sam that Crowley liked what he was doing.

After running his tongue over the head and the slit a few times Sam slowly started to take in the long shaft. Once he reached his limit he sucked hard on the cock and pulled his mouth upwards. Then, once at the top again, he breathed out and pushed back down. As his mouth moved downwards he gripped the base of Crowley's shaft and moved his fist up and down in time with his mouth. Sam's ears were filled with the sound of wordless noises spilling from Crowley's mouth and Crowley gasping his name.

“S-S-Sam...,” Crowley stuttered as he gripped Sam's hair. “Oh God, Moose. Yes... again.”

As Sam obliged Crowley's request he could hear and feel the heavy panting for the man below him. This time Sam quickened his pace and soon found a nice rhythm. The moans and gasps from Crowley kept Sam going. Each time he moved down, he took more and more of Crowley into his throat. Soon there was no need for his hand. He was now sucking every inch of Crowley. Reaching down he began to play with the demon's balls. Feeling Crowley's fingers tighten in his hair got his attention.

“Sam... Put… some lube… lube on your fingers,” Crowley gasped as he tried to get the words out. “When you do... push one inside of me. Please...”

“Hmm, hmm,” Sam hummed to let Crowley know that he had heard him. 

“God... Do that again,” Crowley begged. 

Sam started to hum as he put the lube on his fingers and then, slowly, he pushed one inside.

“Yes, oh... yes.” 

Sam felt Crowley's hole tighten on his finger, but he didn't stop. He pushed in it and out a few times, before he got a rhythm going with the movement of his head. It wasn't too long before Crowley was begging him for a second and then third finger to be inserted. Getting the gist of what he was after, Sam twisted and spread his fingers as he moved them in and out harder and harder. A sudden salty taste in his mouth warned Sam that Crowley was about to come. Removing his fingers he gripped the shaft again and started moving faster and harder on the twitching cock in his hands.

A few moments later, Sam's mouth was full of Crowley's seed. Swallowing, Sam pulled a face at the unexpected and strange taste. He coughed a little. Sheepishly, he looked at Crowley and mouthed 'sorry'. When Crowley just waved it off he smiled. Reaching down Crowley wiggled a hand until Sam took it. Crowley pulled Sam into a hug. Soon Sam was kissing him, the need to relieve his own building pressure becoming more and more noticeable.

“Are you ready, Moose?”

“Yes, but... What if...”

“You will,” Crowley replied as if he knew what Sam was going to say. “It's your first time. You're going to come very quickly but that's just a fact. It says nothing about you or how it will be later."

“Okay,” Sam whispered. He then sat up and positioned himself between Crowley's legs. “What now?”

“Now, my love, you are teasing me. You said you've watched movies, you know what's next. Just do what you feel is right for you.” 

The smile Crowley gave him soothed some of Sam's nerves. Taking the tube, Sam put a generous amount of lube on himself, making sure it covered all his shaft. He then lifted up one of Crowley's legs and, as he bit down on his bottom lip, pushed himself in to Crowley.

Crowley let out a hiss, as Sam entered him. Sam looked up, instantly concerned.

“It's okay love,” Crowley gasped when he saw the concern of Sam's face. “Just... Just go slowly."

Sam did as Crowley said and with each thrust, he got deeper and deeper inside the tight and hot demon beneath him. Soon, he had a good rhythm going and once again, Crowley started to make sounds of pleasure. When Crowley's whole body shook, Sam knew he had hit the right spot inside his lover, so he tried to hit it again and again. 

As Crowley said, it wasn't long before Sam needed to come. Putting Crowley's leg down, Sam laid down covering Crowley's body with his own. Their hot and sweaty skin made it easier for Sam to pound even harder into Crowley. Crowley wrapped his legs and arms around Sam's body, fingernails digging into the backs of Sam's shoulders. 

Kissing Crowley, Sam finally reached his point of no return. The feeling of heat rising in his stomach. The explosion. The feeling of rising need to release the pressure was too much. Sam moved his mouth from Crowley's lips to his shoulder. As he came he bit down hard and yelled out Crowley's name.

*-*-*-*

Crowley, with the sensation of Sam coming inside him and the pain of the bite, came again. Too soon it was over and both men lie there trying to catch their breath. Panting, Sam rolled off Crowley and laid on his back. At the lost of contact, Crowley reached out and grabbed Sam's hand. He didn't understand it, but he needed to keep touching his Moose.

As their breathing and heart rates settled, Sam pulled at Crowley's hand. Crowley took the hint and rolled over into Sam's waiting arms. His head rested on Sam's chest and Crowley let out a sigh of content.

“I... I did good?” Sam asked with a quick kiss to the top of Crowley's head.

“Better than good,” Crowley replied smiling. “You were amazing." He leaned up and kissed Sam, before lying back down again. “I suppose we should go back down and help the others.”

“No. I think they'll be fine without us for a while. Crowley...”

“Yes, Moose?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Crowley lay there, listening until Sam's breathing leveled out. Once he was sure Sam was finally asleep he whispered, “Goodnight, my Prince Charming.”


	6. Whatever It Takes

With nothing more than a thought Crowley willed Sam clean. He didn’t clean himself just yet, as he was still marveling over the fact Sam and he had actually just been together. The phrase ‘had sex’ sounded hollow when it came to what they had just done. It had been just sex with everyone else. With Sam it had been something different, something more.

As difficult as it was Crowley was finally starting to believe, maybe Sam meant it when he said he wasn’t leaving. _‘...teach me only how to please you.’_ A shiver ran down Crowley’s spine again as he remembered the words. Mine, Crowley thought, only mine. His arms tightened around Sam. The sudden wave of possessiveness surprised him. Never before had he felt an emotion so strong. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe love was about more than just the physical aspects of a relationship. Although, to be honest, the physical aspects had been amazing.

After everything he had been through how was it possible for him to love? He finally stopped trying to fool himself. That’s exactly what this was, love. He had resisted for a myriad of reasons but he could no longer deny the truth. With a quick thought Crowley finally cleaned himself but left the lingering soreness. It was a reminder that, of anyone Sam could have picked to be his first, Sam had picked him. Snuggling around Sam Crowley closed his eyes and finally let himself fall asleep.

*-*-*-*

Sam woke up to movement. Groggily he opened his eyes to a naked Crowley stretching in the bed next to him. The demon’s mouth was pulled into a small smile and his eyes were closed. Finally Crowley relaxed. “Love you,” Sam murmured.

Startled, Crowley jumped and turned to face him.

“Didn’t mean to wake you up,” Crowley replied.

“Mmm, I should get up soon anyway,” Sam told him. Throwing an arm over Crowley he drug the demon back against him. “Mine,” Sam stated.

“For as long as you wish,” Crowley answered.

“Crowley?”

“Sam?”

“You really think I’m going to leave you?”

Crowley hesitated and Sam tightened his hold.

“It’s just that sometimes… I have a hard time... “

“I know,” Sam told him. “It’s going to take time for you to believe me.”

“It’s not you I doubt,” Crowley said quietly. 

Sam nuzzled Crowley’s neck briefly before leaning down and kissing him.

“Breakfast,” Sam asked.

“I can’t. I _really_ do have to get back to hell.”

“I wish you’d step down and let someone else take over.”

“I can’t Sam.”

“I know. When will you be back?”

“I don’t know. I have to spend some time down there soon. As much as I would like I can’t stay up here all the time.”

Sam nodded. “Crowley?”

“Hmm?”

“When I showed up in hell, how did you port me back here?”

Crowley was silent for a moment before he answered.

“I don’t know. I was just trying to think of the place where you would be the safest. Your room was the first place that came to mind.”

“So you can port through the wards now?”

“It would seem so. I didn’t even think about it until now.”

“How does it work? Porting I mean.”

“Blinking. Angels port.”

“What’s the difference?”

“None really. It’s just what I was taught to call it when I learned how to do it.”

“Can you teach me how to do it on purpose?”

“I would love to Sam, it would help if you were ever in any danger. However I really don’t have the time right now.”

Crowley bit his bottom lip and Sam gave him a smile. 

“I understand.”

“I wish I could stay,” Crowley whispered.

“If you did it would only make it harder for you to fix things in hell.”

“I’ll come back as soon as I can,” Crowley promised.

“You better,” Sam told him as he leaned in for another kiss.

*-*-*-*

Sam strode into the kitchen and eyed his brother.

“Where’s Cass?”

“He had some things he had to get done. Crowley?” 

“He had to go back to hell.”

Dean watched him thoughtfully for a moment. “You know he’ll be fine, right?”

“I know, I’m just worried about him.”

“He’s going to hell, Sam, you should be worried. But this is Crowley we’re talking about, he’ll be fine.”

*-*-*-*

Crowley glanced up as a cloud of black smoke flew into the throne room. Exerting his power he examined the smoke to discern which demon was breaking protocol by not waiting to be announced. “Mara,” Crowley stated annoyed.

The black smoke of her demonic form circled around him.

_The angel Castiel wishes an audience._

“You know protocol.”

_He holds my meat suit hostage awaiting an answer._

Crowley frowned. “You are not all here,” he stated.

_He also holds part of my essence prisoner… He claims he will release it if you grace him with your presence. How is it a seraph has acquired so much power?_

“That is not your concern. Should I refuse to grant his request, that also is not your concern. I am your king, you will do as I command.”

_Yes, your majesty. I would point out that I have ever done so since you have acquired the throne._

“So you have. For the transgression of protocol breach I shall turn a blind eye… this time.”

_Thank you your majesty. What shall I tell the angel?_

“Is he listening?”

_He claims he cannot hear this far through proxy._

“Tell Castiel that I will arrive soon. Dismissed.”

Crowley felt the other demon’s eyes on him. Showing mercy was a weakness. He could not afford any weakness at the moment. Doing so for Mara put his already tenuous reign on even thinner ice. Mara, however, was one of the demons he had entrusted to watch over the Winchesters. She was one of the very few demons that was close to ‘decent’. He was loathe to destroy her if he could help it. Standing he walked toward the archway. Exiting the throne room he disintegrated both guards. 

“Next time someone comes to see me whoever is guarding the throne room better do their job!”

*-*-*-*

“Castiel,” Crowley greeted.

“Thank you for coming.”

“My demon,” he asked raising an eyebrow.

Castiel nodded and flicked his hand toward the meat suit on the couch. Inspecting the meat suit as the smoke entered it Crowley was relieved to discover all of Mara’s essence was once again together. Crowley waited until Mara stood and made her way over to him. 

“My king,” Mara acknowledged.

“Return to hell and await further orders,” he commanded.

With a nod Mara blinked away.

“You could have just summoned me,” Crowley stated turning to Castiel.

“This was easier.”

“You need something?”

“The angels on your payroll.”

Crowley nodded. “I’ll send them to you at once. Castiel?”

“Yes?”

“Do not do something like that again. I cannot have anyone countering my authority if I am to have any hope of regaining stability in hell.”

“Acknowledged.”

Crowley nodded and blinked back to hell.

The second he ported into the throne room he was surrounded by chaos. At his feet was the body Mara had been possessing. Demons were battling each other all around. Angrily Crowley flung both arms out pinning all the demons against the walls.

“What the bloody hell is going on,” he shouted. Walking forward he stood in front of a demon and glared. “You. Answer.”

“They were trying to usurp the throne,” the demon answered. 

“You were a part of them,” another demon answered.

The demon in front of Crowley began shaking his head violently.

“I would never-”

Crowley snapped his fingers and the demon exploded.

“Mara,” he called loudly. If she had been killed… The black smoke of her demonic form swirled into the throne room.

_Sire?_

Crowley hid his relief that she hadn’t been destroyed in the melee.

“Lead me to the demons involved in the rebellion,” he ordered glaring at the demons still pinned against the walls.

*-*-*-*

Castiel inspected the angels gathered around. All told they numbered almost half of those following Metatron. At least the odds were better than when he’d rebelled against Michael. After some searching he had discovered there was still at least one gate into heaven. They would have the element of surprise on their side when they descended on the angels guarding the gate. After that they would have to move quickly to keep the upper hand. 

*-*-*-*

Rubbing his neck Sam walked up the stairs. What had started as a simple case had quickly gone downhill. He was starting to share Dean’s utter hatred of witches. Why couldn’t they ever meet a witch that _didn’t_ want to kill them? Walking down the hall Sam made his way to his room. Opening the door he jumped slightly at the sight of someone in his bed. When he realized it was Crowley Sam smiled softly. 

Entering the room Sam closed the door quietly. It had been more than two weeks since he had last seen Crowley. The demon was sleeping fairly peacefully curled up around a pillow on what had become Sam’s side of the bed. Walking closer Sam realized Crowley was wearing one of his plaid button downs. Shaking his head Sam carefully pulled the covers back. Crowley’s eyes shot open.

“It’s just me,” Sam said quietly.

Shoving the pillow aside Crowley reached up and wrapped his arms around Sam. Sam put his arms around Crowley and hugged him back. Burying his face in Sam’s neck Crowley inhaled deeply.

“Love the way you smell,” Crowley mumbled into Sam’s neck.

Sam smiled and patted Crowley’s back. “Let go so I can lay down.”

Crowley shook his head. He moved back and pulled Sam with him. Sam moved carefully trying to keep his balance as he laid down. When they were both laying down on the bed Sam curled up around Crowley. “Missed you,” he murmured into the demon’s neck.

“Missed you more,” Crowley argued.

Sam smiled and shook his head. 

“Hell?”

“Better.”

“Not good?”

“Pft. Hell’s never ‘good’. Sam?”

“Crowley,” Sam answered.

“I want you to meet someone tomorrow.”

Sam’s brow furrowed. “Who?”

“A demon.”

“Why?”

“I trust her.”

“Is she a friend?”

“Demons don’t have friends. She’s more like a trusted adviser.”

“I’d be happy to meet her.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I had her watching you when I… left.”

“We were being watched by demons?”

“I needed to know you were alright,” Crowley whined, burying his face into Sam’s chest.

“Shh, it’s alright. I understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Sam hesitated. “You know I love you, right?”

Crowley burrowed deeper into Sam’s side and clung onto him more tightly.

“Crowley?”

“Yes. It’s just I don’t understand why,” Crowley muttered.

“Love doesn’t need a reason. Didn’t I already tell you that?”

“I know. I’m just… scared I’ll lose you.”

Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley. Holding him tightly Sam tried to understand things from Crowley’s point of view. Never had anyone cared about Crowley before. Sam was the first and he was determined to do right by the demon. “I love you, you know,” Sam asked.

“Yes… But... “

“But what?”

“Nothing,” Crowley muttered shaking his head.

“I told you, love doesn’t need a reason.”

Crowley merely shook his head again.

“Tell me about the demon you want me to meet.”

“Her name is Mara.”

“Mara,” Sam said, testing the name on his lips.

“She’s more ‘decent’ than most demons.”

“I would assume so. I mean, if you left her in charge of watching over us.”

“I’m so sorry. I just… I couldn’t take _not_ watching over you.”

“It’s fine, Crowley.”

“Forgive me?”

Sam smiled. “I think I’d forgive you almost anything.”

“I’m serious Sam.”

“Me too.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Crowley said quietly.

“Hush,” Sam ordered.

*-*-*-*

Crowley hushed, Sam was that important to him. Crowley would do whatever Sam wished. Tomorrow he would introduce Sam to Mara. If anything ever happened to him Crowley could trust her to watch out for Sam. He needed them to meet so Sam would recognize that she was a friend. Hell wasn’t for the weak. There was a very real possibility that something might happen to him one day. He needed to make sure Sam would be safe.

*-*-*-*

Castiel inspected the angels in front of him. They had lost almost half of their numbers in the raid against Metatron. Such a senseless loss. There were already too few angels left, losing more was a waste. Inspecting the angels he had selected for the council Castiel took a deep breath and moved to stand in front of the angels gathered.

*-*-*-*

“Dean?”

Dean’s eyes shot open and he rolled over pointing a gun at Castiel. Castiel waited for Dean to recognize him. When he finally did Dean uncocked the gun and shoved it back under the pillow. Reaching up Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel and drew him down onto the bed. “Missed you,” Dean informed him.

“I missed you too,” Castiel stated honestly. 

“Heaven?”

“Is taken care of for now.”

“Metatron?”

“Powerless and in Iowa.”

“Iowa?”

Cass shrugged. “I thought it was a pretty state.”

“There’s almost nothing there Cass.”

“I know. That’s why I find it pretty,” Cass said cocking his head.

Dean shook his head and smiled at him. Castiel stared in amazement. The smiles Dean gave him when they were alone were so much more… real. So unlike the smiles he generally gave to other people. It was like Dean finally let his guard down and allowed himself to be open. The only other times Castiel had ever seen Dean that open was the rare few times he had watched from a side dimension as Dean and Sam interacted.

*-*-*-*

Digging through the closet Crowley inspected Sam’s suits. He really needed to take Sam shopping. Shoving the hangers sideways he rejected every suit for various reasons. When he hit the end of the closet Crowley stopped and stared at the suit on the last hanger. Reaching out he ran his fingers down the tie draped over the hanger. He had just assumed Sam would have gotten rid of the tie he had left.

“Just pick something Crowley,” Sam complained.

“This,” he answered pulling the suit out and turning back to Sam.

Sam frowned. Taking the suit he laid it down on the bed and sat next to it. Dragging his fingers over the tie he looked back to Crowley. "Where did you find this," Sam asked.

"It was in the back of your closet."

"Crowley, I..."

"You don't have to wear it."

"I would love to wear it," Sam told him. Immediately Sam pulled his shirt over his head.

*-*-*-*

Staring at the man sitting across the table from then Sam finally turned to Crowley.

"Uh..."

Crowley raised an eyebrow and waited.

"So, this is your..."

"Coworker," Crowley answered.

"Not very bright is he," the other demon asked.

Crowley cleared his throat and the other demon rolled it's eyes.

The voice that issued from the demon was oddly feminine. It was a strange sound coming from the body in front of them. "Not quite what I pictured," Sam answered.

"Me either," Crowley replied with a meaningful look.

'Mara' shrugged. "I need to continue being able to do my job. A quick change was necessary. I would prefer to keep the other outfit unknown. The less people that know what that one looks like the better I can blend."

"Why this one," Sam asked.

"It was the closest one that was viable. I will return it when I am finished."

"Will he remember anything?"

"He is 'sleeping' at the moment. He will remember nothing."

"So what do I call you?"

"At the moment you may call me David Porter.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over them. 

"So, Mara's a pretty name," Sam said trying to make conversation. 

Crowley coughed on a sip of his water.

"Mara was the Buddhist demon personifying unwholesome impulses and death of the spiritual life. He distracted humans from practicing a spiritual life by making mundane things more alluring and was skilled at making negative things seem positive. A perfect name for what I do if you ask me," Mara stated evenly. "When I was turned I found it oddly fitting to keep my human name."

"Enough," Crowley ordered. "There are humans present."

"Indeed," Mara answered eyeing Sam.

"You know the consequences," Crowley growled.

"I was making no threat, merely observing. Tell me Sam, why do you wish to be with our king?"

"Excuse me?"

"He is our king. We are of the same kind he and I. What would make a hunter wish to sleep with the king of demons?"

"Enough," Crowley ordered glaring at her.

Mara bowed her head slightly.

"Forgive my bluntness. It is usually a trait respected in hell."

"We're not there right now and there are _other_ humans present."

"Actually I think it's a fair question," Sam interjected.

Crowley turned to him and frowned.

"You obviously trust her. There has to be a reason for that. Which means she's shown you reasons to have faith in her. You're also her king. Other people that do what I do would make it their job to end you. I think she has every right to question why I would want to be with you and how safe you are with me."

"Perhaps, but that is a question better answered elsewhere." 

"Understood," Mara answered with another slight nod of her head.

A waiter arrived to take their orders. The voice Mara used to order fit the body she was possessing much better than the one she had been using during their conversation. When everyone had ordered the waiter left. 

“Can I ask why the meet and greet,” Mara questioned.

“Business later, dinner first,” Crowley answered.

*-*-*-*

All through dinner they made small talk. When it was over they left the restaurant. As soon as they were around the corner Crowley grabbed Sam’s arm and blinked them. Mara followed a second behind. Even in the dim light Sam recognized the place.

“This is the place we took you when you were staying with us. After the trials.”

Crowley smiled and, with a nod, he indicated the bridge on the other side of the playground. The three made their way across the playground and to the middle of the bridge. Leaning forward Crowley put his arms on the railing and leaned on it. Mara followed his example.

“Business,” she asked.

“I’d like to keep you on watch detail.”

Mara scowled. “There are better uses for my talents.”

“Not all of the time, just whenever there is need.”

“Wait,” Sam interrupted. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

“Of course you do, Sam. That’s why I wanted you two to meet.”

“Seriously? Guarding a human?”

“Mara,” Crowley warned.

“Wait a minute. If she tails us every time we go somewhere,” Sam trailed off.

“Part of the reason I didn’t just order it done. I wanted you to have a say in this.”

“I know you trust her but I just met her. No offense but you’re asking me to trust a demon.”

“I’m a demon Sam.”

“That’s different. You’re…”

“Decent?”

“Mine.”

“Ours,” Mara countered. “I may decide to share him with you but he still belongs to us.”

“I have no plans of abdicating my throne Mara.”

“If other demons get word of this ‘relationship’ it could be dangerous.”

“Being the king is already dangerous.”

“We cannot lose you. And for what? For a human?”

“ _My_ human.”

Sam felt the air between them thicken with energy.

“Wait. Everyone calm down.”

“I will not let you get our king killed,” Mara hissed.

“Believe me, the last thing I want is for Crowley to get hurt. We’re all on the same page here. I’m sure we can find a way to come to an agreement without resorting to violence.”

“You have no idea what hell was like before he was king.”

“You’re right,” Sam agreed. “But I do love him. If him staying king would help keep him from being hurt or killed then I can deal with that.”

“You’re lying.”

“No. I’m not saying I like the idea but if it keeps him safe I can deal with it.”

Mara eyed him skeptically.

“Can we please drop the powers at least?”

Crowley and Mara glared at each other for a few more minutes. Finally the power level surrounding the group dropped and Crowley straightened. Crossing his arms he raised an eyebrow at Mara. Rolling her eyes Mara turned to look over the river below them as the energy level around them dropped back to normal.

“Mara,” Crowley said quietly.

“I… we, cannot lose you.”

“Mara,” Sam asked.

Mara ignored him and Sam moved to lean on the railing next to her.

“I understand how bad it can get in hell.”

“Pft.”

“I spent time in the pit with Lucifer.”

Mara remained silent and Sam shook his head.

“I’m not trying to take him away from you.”

“Us,” she corrected.

“Or the other demons. I just don’t want to lose him either. I’m sure you understand what that feels like.”

“Do you know the demons poised to take power if he gets assassinated?”

“No, but I have an idea of what they’re like.”

“This relationship is dangerous.”

“I’m not going to leave him, Mara.”

“If you love him then you should want him safe.”

“I want him happy.”

“What good is happy if he’s dead.”

“I have just as much to lose as him.”

“And the rest of the demon race?”

“I don’t know, we’re taking it one day at a time.”

“What happens the day you decide you don’t want to be with him anymore?”

“That’s never going to happen.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I would never do anything to put him in danger. If that means he has to stay king than I can deal. I’m not trying to take him away from you or the other demons. There’s too few decent demons already. The fact that he trusted you enough for us to meet? That tells me a lot about you.”

“I’m still a demon.”

“And so is he, but I trust him.” Sam paused a moment before speaking again. “In Joseph Campbell's retelling of Buddha’s Enlightenment he associates the third incarnation of Mara, Dharma, to mean duty. I think that fits you pretty well too.”

“If you hurt him, I will kill you.”

Sam felt the power in the air behind him. He wrapped himself around Mara desperate to shield her. A wave of demonic energy swept past them. When it was over he turned back to Crowley. “Damn it Crowley, what the hell?”

“She threatened you,” Crowley growled.

“She didn’t mean it like that!”

“How did you do that,” Mara asked.

“Do what?”

“You’re human, I can feel your humanity. You’re not a witch. How did you block his power from killing me?”

“I… I don’t know. Crowley?”

“I’m not sure. The connection perhaps?”

“Whatever happened we can discuss it later. I want you to promise you won’t kill her.”

“She threatened you.”

“She just wanted to make sure you didn’t get hurt.”

“That’s not her concern.”

“It’s _my_ concern and you don’t kill _me_ for it.”

“That’s not the same.”

“What about Dean?”

“What about him?”

“You expect me to believe he wouldn’t hunt you down if you to hurt me? I know my brother, he would do anything to protect me. She’s doing the same thing for you. Are you saying I should kill Dean?”

“You know I’m not.”

“Then I’m not letting you kill her.”

“I can’t let the threat go unpunished.”

“Then I agree to your plan.”

“What?”

“Put her on watcher detail occasionally. She obviously doesn’t want the job. That can be punishment. You said she’s one of the few you can trust. You can’t afford to lose her.”

“Sam…”

“Please?”

*-*-*-*

After waiting for almost an hour for Dean to return from the kitchen Castiel sighed and finally left the room. Making his way to the bottom of the stairs he stopped when he saw Dean on the couch in the living room. Walking to the archway he stopped and just watched Dean for a while.

“Dean?”

“Huh?”

“What are you doing down here?”

“Nothing. I was just…”

“Waiting for Sam?”

“He is dating Crowley and he has been gone a long time.”

“I’m sure he’s fine Dean.”

“It’s just the first time they’ve gone out alone. And it’s not just Crowley we have to worry about either.”

Castiel moved to sit next to Dean on the couch. Laying down he put his head in Dean’s lap. For a time neither of them spoke. Finally Castiel rolled until he was laying on his back and looked up at Dean. “The seraphs were created second among the angels. Of them I was created first. Only the archangels are older than me. I understand feeling responsible and worrying for your little brothers or sisters.”

Dean smiled. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine Dean. I’m just saying I understand how you feel about Sam. It’s one of the main reasons I love you.”

“Love you too Cass.”

“Come back to bed. Sam will be fine Dean.”

*-*-*-*

Sam looked back to Crowley and thought for a second.

“Can I have a moment with her?”

“You want me to leave you alone with her after she just threatened you?”

“She only threatened me if I ever hurt you. Have I done something to hurt you?”

“Never.”

“Then we should be fine. Please?”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Fine with me, I just need a few minutes with her alone.”

Crowley glance over Sam’s shoulder and Sam waited.

“Fine, but if she does _anything_ to you…”

“ _If_ she does anything.”

“Fine, five minutes.”

“Ten.”

“Sam…”

“I need to talk to her. I can’t say everything in five minutes.”

“Fine but I’ll be watching.”

“Deal.”

Sam turned and walked back to Mara. Nodding his head he motioned for her to follow him down the steps. The two walked to the bottom of the bridge and stopped. Mara crossed her arms and glared at him.

“I’m sorry you had a rough time before he became king.”

“This isn’t about me.”

“It is. At least partially.” Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve had dreams about what it was like for him to become a demon. I can’t imagine it was any better for you.”

“You know nothing of the process.”

“You’re wrong. In the dreams I watch the person I love tortured time and time again. I can’t ever stop it from happening in the dreams. When I wake up I have to deal with the fact I still can’t change what happened to him any more than I could in the dream. I would do almost anything to have kept him from going through that.”

“How is it a hunter came to care so much for a demon.”

“I didn’t. I don’t love him because he’s a demon, I love him because he’s Crowley. The same as you.”

“I _do not_ ‘love’ him.”

“You’ve loved him since he tried to protect you in the torture pits.”

“How did you know about that,” Mara demanded.

“I told you, I dream about what happened to him in his past. You’re a part of that time in his past.”

“I do not want to sleep with him!”

Sam smiled. “There’s more than one type of love. No, you don’t want to sleep with him. You want to protect him, like he tried to protect you.”

Mara was silent.

“I will never try to come between you and him. I need to know there’s a person watching over him when he’s in hell and I can’t be with him. I need you every bit as much as he does.”

“If he gets killed…” 

“We need to keep that from happening. Can I trust you to watch out for him when I can’t be there?”

“Why do you love him?”

“Probably for the same reasons you love him. I just love him differently.”

“Your brother?”

“What about Dean?”

“Will he try to kill him?”

“No. The only time he might even try would be if Crowley ever tried to kill me.”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

“I know.”

“What if another hunter finds out about you two?”

“Then we’ll deal with it.”

“You’ll kill them?”

“Not if we can help it.”

“You’re putting him in danger.”

“I’m in just as much danger.”

“You’d risk your life for a demon?”

“I risked my life to protect you earlier.”

“I do not understand that either.”

“I know. Part of it was to keep him protected. I couldn’t let one of the few demons he could trust be killed.”

“But that’s not all there is to it.”

“No. Part of it is that I’ve seen too much death as a hunter to watch someone needlessly be killed. I understand how you feel about him. If I were you I’d be just as worried.”

“You’re a strange person Sam Winchester.”

It was the first time she had ever used his name and not simply referred to him as ‘human’. Sam smiled. “Truce?”

“Perhaps. You realize if you ever endanger him on purpose-”

“You’ll kill me?”

Mara looked away.

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. I am a demon. We do kill people.”

“You love him and he loves me. You wouldn’t hurt him like that.”

“Would you?”

“Never.”

“Sam,” Crowley called out impatiently.

“Your king calls,” Sam said with a smile.

“If you tell him how I feel…”

“I won’t. Promise.”

“Good,” Mara stated turning her back on him and walking back to Crowley.

Sam followed with a small smile on his face.


	7. Cradled In Love

Crowley blinked them into the foyer of the bunker. 

“Can you stay?”

Crowley hesitated.

“You have to go back don’t you?”

“Maybe I could stay for a while.”

“And maybe that would just make things in hell more difficult to fix.”

Crowley bit his bottom lip. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too but you _have_ to fix hell to stay safe.”

“Yeah,” Crowley whispered.

Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and leaned down to kiss him. “Now go,” Sam ordered.

*-*-*-*  
One week later...  
*-*-*-*

"Try it again."

"I'm trying."

"You're overthinking it Sam. Relax and let it happen."

"I am relaxed," Sam growled.

Crowley shook his head. "You've done this in your sleep. You can do this. Just quit pushing for it, let it come naturally."

"Trying," Sam growled.

"Maybe we should take a break," Dean suggested.

Crowley eyed Dean. Could work, he thought. Reaching out he shoved Dean.

"What the hell, Crowley?"

He shoved him again.

"Stop it," Dean ordered.

Crowley shoved him again.

"Stop."

Crowley shoved him once more and Dean punched him. Crowley licked the blood off his split lip and shoved Dean again. Dean punched him again. Suddenly Sam was between them. 

"Yes. Like that," Crowley told him.

"Damn it Crowley," Sam cursed. 

Sam grabbed Crowley’s chin and turned his face back and forth.

"It's fine Sam." Crowley waved off Sam's concern and healed himself. "You blinked," Crowley said smiling.

"It's not funny," Sam argued.

"It's not like he hurt me Sam."

"He could have."

"I thought this was about you learning to use your powers."

"Not at the expense of you getting hurt."

"I'm all for punching Crowley again if it helps," Dean offered.

"You stay out of this," Sam ordered. “Damn it Crowley.”

“I think your powers are emotionally based. You need to feel strongly about something for them to work.”

“If you get yourself hurt again just to help me use my powers I’m quitting.”

“Fine, but we still learned something.”

“So… I can’t punch Crowley again,” Dean asked.

“Dean,” Sam growled. 

Dean held up his hands. “Hey, I was just asking.”

“Do it again,” Crowley ordered.

Sam closed his eyes and concentrated.

“Wait.”

Crowley walked away several feet. “Think about you and me together and hold the image in your mind.”

“Really Crowley?”

“Hush Dean. Sam?”

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. Crowley felt it the instant Sam pulled the memory forward. “Now concentrate on that.”

*-*-*-*

Walking into the room behind Sam Crowley shut the door.

“Sam?”

“Not now Crowley.”

“You’re mad?”

“You got yourself hurt for no reason. Of course I’m mad.”

“But it helped.”

“Don’t care.”

Crowley put a hand on Sam’s shoulder and Sam shrugged it off.

“Sam?”

“No.”

Crowley bit his bottom lip.

“Can… Can we…maybe cuddle?” 

“No. I’m still pissed off at you Crowley.”

Sam turned to face him and Crowley took a step back.

“I’m sorry?”

“I don’t want you hurt. Don’t you get it?”

“What do you want me to say,” Crowley asked quietly. “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad at me.” Crowley bit his bottom lip and sat down on the bed. “Please?”

“Crowley?”

Crowley shook his head.

“Are you okay?”

Crowley shook his head again. “I don’t think so,” he said quietly.

Sam sat down next to him and put an arm around him. 

“Please don’t leave me,” Crowley whispered.

“You think I’m going to leave you because I’m mad?”

Crowley bit his lip harder and snuggled against Sam.

“People get mad sometimes Crowley. That’s just how it is. It doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you, okay?”

Crowley shook his head and clung onto Sam’s shirt. “Please,” he whispered.

“What am I going to do with you? No, Crowley, I’m not leaving you. Okay?”

Crowley nodded. Sam reached down and put a hand under his chin. Crowley struggled to keep Sam from pulling his face upward but finally gave in to Sam’s insistence. “Please?”

“I am not leaving you. Okay?”

Crowley tried to duck his head again but Sam refused to let him.

“Understood?”

“No. I mean… I don’t understand why. You’re mad because of me. Why wouldn’t you leave?”

“Being mad doesn’t mean I’m leaving you.”

“Really?”

“Really Crowley.”

“I love you.”

Sam released his chin and wrapped both arms around him.

“Love you too Crowley.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t I tell you love doesn’t need a reason?”

Crowley gripped Sam’s shirt more tightly and pressed his face into Sam’s shoulder.

*-*-*-*

_Crowley was used to being slightly too warm. Even so it was warmer than it should have been. Opening his eyes he found himself face to face with Sam. No, his mind told him, that’s not Sam. Crowley struggled to get away._

_“No, please. Not this. Not now!”_

_“Did you really think you could escape?_

_“You’re not real,” Crowley yelled._

_“Doesn’t matter does it? I don’t have to be real to hurt you.”_

_“No! Sam!”_

*-*-*-*

Sam’s eyes opened and he turned his head back and forth trying to figure out what was wrong. Crowley was on the far edge of the bed with his arms wrapped around himself and shivering. Sam moved over and put an arm over the demon. Pulling him closer Sam whispered to him.

“Shh. It’s just a dream Crowley. It’s not real. Shh.”

Crowley whimpered and Sam nuzzled against Crowley’s neck. 

“Shh, baby. It’s not real. I’m real, come back to me baby.”

“Sam,” Crowley whined.

“I’m here baby. Come back to me,” Sam whispered against Crowley’s ear.

“Not Sam, you’re not,” Crowley muttered in his sleep.

Sam winced. It would be one of those dreams. He tightened his arms around Crowley.

“It’s not real baby. Come back to me, _I’m_ real.”

Crowley started to struggle in Sam’s arms. 

“Shh. You’re okay baby. It’s me. Really me, promise.”

Crowley’s eyes shot open. “Sam,” Crowley gasped.

“It’s me baby, it’s just me.”

“Please.”

“Please what?”

“Don’t hurt me anymore.”

“It was a dream. It wasn’t real baby. You’re safe now. No one’s going to hurt you anymore. Okay?”

Crowley struggled in Sam’s arms and Sam released him. As soon as his arms were free Crowley wrapped them around Sam. Crowley’s grip was almost painful and Sam fought to ignore it. He couldn’t blame Crowley for his fears. He had seen what happened to souls in the torture pits of hell.

“Shh baby, I’m here. You’re safe now.”

“Sam,” Crowley mumbled into Sam’s chest.

“I’m here.”

“Don’t leave me?”

“Never baby. Never.”

*-*-*-*

Turning to the demon beside him ‘Chuck’ waited.

“If you’re waiting for me to say I take my words back you’re going to have to keep waiting.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You never do. You know the angel’s still waiting for you to ‘return’,” Cain stated.

“Soon.”

“So you’ll make me mortal now?”

“You could have helped them more.”

“You could have too,” Cain pointed out.

Chuck shrugged. “I helped them as much as they needed.”

Cain cleared his throat and eyed the being in front of him.

“Yes, yes. I promised didn’t I?”

“So you did.”

“You sure you’re ready for this?”

“To be mortal and to eventually die? More than ready.” 

Chuck moved forward and waved a hand over the bed. The blanket tangled around Dean and Cass was suddenly lying over the two of them. Seriously, Cain thought. Of all the names a deity could pick why he still wanted to be called Chuck was beyond Cain. To each their own he supposed. 

“Now,” Cain asked.

“No. One more thing first.”

Suddenly they were in Sam and Crowley’s room. Cain resisted the urge to growl. He hated porting with a passion. The Grace an angel used, or in this case God, rubbed against his demonic powers. The stronger the Grace the worse it felt.

Chuck walked over to the bed and stared at the two forms. Reaching down he placed a finger against Sam’s forehead. “Rest peacefully,” Chuck ordered.

Moving to the demon Chuck put a finger against Crowley forehead. “No more dreams of hell,” he ordered.

Both sleeping bodies seemed to relax. Chuck cocked his head and watched the two for a moment. “Be at peace my children.”


End file.
